Blather, rinse, repeat

Here I am then, on the other side of my birthday. It was a super fun day although I wasn't really observing my b'day as such; it was just a time for some people to get together for a hang. So, my friend RT came up from VA, then there was Homeslice, his daughter the Cute Bruiser, Lady Chrysanthemum, Empress Teishi, Maximus, my Mom, and me of course. People brought metric craptons of cakes and cupcakes and ice creams and I got boxes of pizza and much, much sugar was consumed. We went to my Mom's and played RE: DC, in rounds, by twos. Hilarious, trying to explain to Empress Teishi that Leon Kennedy was my fictional husband while Jared Leto is my non-fictional one. Hilarious, the Lady Chrysanthemum having an identity crisis over killing zombies when she just got finished playing a zombie in our little commercial. And hilarious watching Tropic Thunder with RT and a gallon of ice cream and some wine.

( THERE WILL BE PICSPAM )

So, a few people were unable to make it for various reasons, but still, it was a good time.

Two entries ago I was a little vague about "oh I'll write again after Monday when I know what's going on" or some ambiguous stupid thing like that? Well the thing was, I found this lump on Sano's neck and I was really stressing about it. Between his relentlessly itchy skin, what felt like a low grade fever and now a neck lump close to the prescapular lymph nodes, I got a little panicked. Well, maybe a lot. Logic told me it was just a lipoma because it was a tad superior to where I know the prescaps are, and because it felt like a lipoma. I've felt enough tumors in my years working at The Bad Place that I know what cancer feels like, but I didn't like what all the symptoms added up to.

So off we went to the vet today. First I have to say that the new vet assistant is ridiculously good-looking. Yet I could hardly concentrate on him because I was so worried. I got a Dr. that I really like, and I told him what my concerns were. At first he couldn't even find the lump and when I put his hand on it he was like, "Wow, how'd you even find that?" I told him, "You know what they called me when I used to work for a vet? Cancer-Finder. If there's a tumor, I tend to put my finger right on it every time."

But then he told me what my brain had already told me, even if my stupid nerves were telling me otherwise: the borders are smooth, it doesn't feel like cancer, and the prescaps are slightly inferior to where this is. All the lymph nodes are fine.

However, his immune system is clearly destroyed (remember when the drugs crashed it last year, totally wiped it out?) and is now attacking protein sources in his food. So I'm going to have to figure out a way to make food for him myself, and try to get it balanced. And if that doesn't work, I'll have to seek out really unusual protein sources like ostrich and alligator, WTMFF? Where am I even supposed to begin? And me, a vegetarian; preparing meat is repugnant to me, whether it be chicken or ostrich or whatever. BUT. I guess I'll have to do it. I mean, dogs eat meat.

Well, but anyways. So I was really, really relieved. You know that sense that you get when you feel like you're done worrying for a while and you can go about your life and enjoy your day? That was me today.

So I went out for a ramble at the local hiking park and took a few handfuls of pictures, while I jogged around. Then I took some in my own back yard, too.

( MOAR PICSPAMZ )

Then after my ramble, I went to the store to buy some juice. While at the checkout counter I was behind this little old lady who looked and dressed so much like the Queen Mum that I kind of wanted to bow. It was really cute and weird.

So I got my juice and headed home, having decided that I was going to put my laundry away and do my homework, which is code for "dick around on the internet," and do a juice fast, which is code for "eat pizza and a caramel apple."

Good days.

( And this is me, 38 years old today. )

Ehhh, not so bad I guess. :)

Had a great weekend. Jo-chan came over on Saturday, (she drove here herself. I can't say that didn't kind of give me the warm fuzzies and, at the same time, break my heart a little.) Once I got home from work we watched a few funny clips on the internet, then set down to play RE:DC. I kinda missed that game and it was fun to revisit it. We talked a lot about: fish, pets, wellness, school, fandom, and how gaming is kind of like meditation. My Mom was at work, and we decided to cook dinner before she got home. I got my iPod and dock from my house, plugged it in, and we listened to music while we cut up tomatoes, mushrooms, and hearts of palm to mix in with quinoa rice. After dinner, we listened to the hilarious "Dramatic Reading" clips (see below,) then the three of us sat down in pajamas, ate dairy and gluten free ice cream, and watched Blazing Saddles.

Sunday, Jo-chan and I played RE:DC some more, and then she drove herself home. I absolutely teared up when she drove away. Seeing her in her little VW, sleek little sunglasses, Bluetooth in her ear, driving down the road like, well, like a woman, got me all emo. I thought, "Look at her; she looks like Gillian Anderson. She's going to college next year. She's ten times smarter than I was at that age. Dad and Grandma should be here to see this." And all other manner of other similar, to-be-expected things.

Today I slept late, started the laundry, did some critiques on SFF, talked a long time on the phone with Gold Dragon, and took the dogs outside for extended playtime. Playtime for all three of us, I mean, because it is SIXTY DEGREES TODAY, PEOPLE. For the first time in months, I went outside and my ass did not fall off and shatter with the cold. I could actually breathe. Once, while running with Haku, I even took my coat off and just wore my heavy sweater.

It makes me wish it was Spring, and Spring makes me wish it was Summer. I adore summer, but I also realize that this one is going to be really difficult. I just hope it's not too bad, and that I can squeeze in some joy, too.

Things that mean nothing to anyone but me:

I can do pushups. I never could before, and now I can.

I downloaded the OST for TsuiokuHen. I wanted to buy it, but I know I absolutely can't keep putting things on my credit card, and TsuiokuHen is mad expensive.

Sifu actually wants to borrow TsuiokuHen, the movie, which I think is neat, actually, and I hope he likes it.

Kenshin the fish is better! No more white spots! And, I think I want a big yellow snail, and a green cory for the little tank. My fish completely rule, by the way. They let me pet them. Fish tanks this year have been my best investment. It's weird, the sort of peace they give you. Except for the fact that my angelfish Quatre is kind of acting like a douchebag to swordtail Kaoru.

I started jogging again. God damn, I forgot how hard that is to begin.

My Wonderful Glassworker Friend is having a major upcoming change, and I'm so happy for her.

I ordered Samurai X, the movie. I love ordering things and then forgetting that I ordered them. Then, when they get here, it's like a nice little prize.

Gluten-free pasta for dinner, and then Kung Fu tonight. Spring-like weather always makes me happy to work out, and to be with my friends. You know, it makes me want to kick ass, but in a good, happy way.

Well, I'd better finish up this last critique while I've got time.

Ciao!

As requested, blizzdog pics! These went up on my FB and I neglected my poor shiny new LJ.

( Blizzpics )
He's my little retard! They both are. ^_^

Gacked from my god(dess)daughter, some Resident Evil (and Silent Hill) hilarity:



I thought it was adorable. :)

Bookwise, still not ready to send the query because everyone in all creation keeps telling me that the manuscript, at 99,510 words, is too damn long and I need to cut it back by a few thousand. No agent or publisher wants to look at long books these days because they know they're not going to sell.

Chopping up the novel is actually very freeing. I have all the originals saved, which will probably embarrass me someday, but I still need to hold on to them. Meantime, I'm down to about 97K-ish. A few more thousand and I'll re-query. I'm about halfway through the book so it shouldn't be a problem.

As long as all the numbers add up to 3, 6 or 9, preferably 9 though. Because I'm insane like that, seriously.

And I'm writing a ridiculously fangirl but honest review of the new 30 STM album which I LOVE although there are some things that I don't love. Still, my favorite band deserves a minute-by-minute writeup.

More on that another time. :)

Having decided that it was Agent Time, I took out novel, query, and synopsis and got down to some serious panic and despair. Then, I took said bits and pieces to That Well-Known Writing Place (where all the agents and editors actually come and hang out sometimes as if they were real people and not angels with the keys to heaven wrapped in their unyielding fists) and asked for criticism.

I got tons on the query: Too confusing, too vague, too specific, too many words, add a word here or there, I can't pronounce the title, strike this paragraph, add this and remove that.

And on the first eight pages, the best piece of critique I've gotten (on this new, revamped version anyway) was: I like your style; it's nice and tight. I like the premise. But I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

And there is my biggest problem. I know what I'm talking about, I know where I'm going with it and what comes next. And I know my own reasons. I think I'm taking for granted that the reader will be patient with the story, as I have been patient. But really, that's not so. People have told me again and again to drop my guy right into a fight for the first chapter. I suppose they're right; readers want action! No one wants to read any mysterious goings-on, or clues to what might happen or what has happened. People want excitement while reading a story, not a stingy author who says, “Wait for it! It's coming, let me just do this my way in my own time!”

Note to self: In fiction, there is no “in my own time.” You are on the reader's time, and that's all there is.

So I tossed around the idea to throw some zombies into the first chapter. I dunno. Not really. ;) It Needs Work, is the very short synopsis.

Kung Fu tonight was good, and the fullest house I've seen there in months. We just had a ton of folks, so there was no sparring 'cause there just wasn't any room. I was a little disappointed because the Dragon was there and I've been wanting to spar him again. But, we did some really cool drills and I got to work with Lady Chrysanthemum who was gracious about the whole broken rib thing. Te Ji Nan returned after having broken his ankle, and the Red-haired Assassin got his brown belt, to much applause.

Also, The Empress not only drove herself to and from the kwon, but in her own car; a big monster white Caddy. I sighed because it marks the end of an era - our car-ride together and our conversations about body hair, men, deodorant, music, college (and the prospect of it, in her case,) culture, life, and of course Kung Fu. Also because my first car was a Caddy too. I don't mean Shinigami; I actually had a Caddy before that. A big, black dinosaur: an 81 Sedan DeVille that I loved to the moon and back. But I was also thinking of Shinigami, still sitting there in the driveway. I know I should sell it. Not only for the money, but because someone should be driving it and loving it. But, just not yet. My Dad adored the car as much as I did (it became his after I got my Elantra, whose name by the way is Ronin,) and I just associate the car with my Dad. He came with me to test drive it during a huge snowstorm.

Anyway, now the Empress has her own big dinosaur of a car on the road, and I'm happy for her. :D

Here's what rules: coming home from Kung Fu, taking a hot shower, and knowing that when I go to bed tonight, I do not have to get up any kind of early and drive over an hour to a longass day at college. In fact, I really don't have to do anything tomorrow except take care of birds, play with (and medicate) dogs, and go to the store for soap and yogurt. (I'm hooked on this freaking fabulous Greek yogurt these days called Oikos. It has honey in it and just thinking about it makes me want to stuff spoonfuls of it into my facehole.)

While I was at the store the other day, they had this little holiday party type of thingie-thing going on, with demos, reps, free stuff, coupons, samples, and a two-person band playing holiday tunes. They played holiday and winter themed-songs throughout, until I was bringing my stuff to the register. Then, randomly, they played a Dinah Washington song. I said, "Hi, Dad" and then I had to get right on out of there before I got all teary.

Let's see, what else what else what else. I started playing Resident Evil Zero (RE:0 from now on,) and I kinda like it in some ways and kinda don't. I think if it had come before RE:DC on the Wii I might have liked it better, because you get to walk around at least. But it's really just a revamped version of the one that was on Gamecube, so you don't aim at the screen (WTF, how am I supposed to get headshots?) and the controls are very oldschool Playstation. Eight-way directional, unwieldy, and too slow. The puzzles are neat and the characters are kinda cute, but I'm not in love with it. Actually I rather like RE:DC much better, come to think of it.

Oh, wow, what else have I done to fill my days off? Oh, I took this weekend off work so that I could spend time with Jo-chan, but my poor girl got ridiculously sick about as soon as she walked in the door. I mean like biohazard lockdown sick, as in I thought she was going to sprout an eyeball from her arm or something. She had to go right back home. The SUCK. So after she left I threw the dogs in my shower and gave them both a bath. Now they actually look like someone's pets again. Then I cleaned the tub and the entire bathroom and after that is when I sat down and started to truly despair and panic over the novel and the prospect of sending out queries and samples which are too wordy, too sparse, too vague, too bogged down with detail, too confusing, too sprawling, just too, too, too.

I watch Family Guy DVDs with Mom, and last night Lois Griffin had a quote that just nailed my thoughts in Twatlight and everything else that I hate but everyone else seems to love:

“Oh, my God! They liked it? Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished!... This is the kind of mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This...blows!"

Let me do something awesome!

Universe, I'm asking!* ^_^





*But I am not asking iUniverse.

Three more finals to go: neurology tomorrow, and Asian 1 and 2 on Friday. Today was Myo2 and Swedish 2 practical. On the Swedish practical I got 100 and on the written I got 98. I am ridiculously disappointed in my myology written, in this petty, irritating way that I know is going to sound stupid. Half the class failed the final. I got an 89. It's just that, there were a handful of questions where I thought maybe I'd gotten them wrong, and out of 100 I was wishy-washy on 10 of them. But I figured maybe I'd gotten at least 3 out of those 10 correct. This means that there's just stuff that I don't realize I don't know. What did I get wrong? I was so confident in this test, I don't even know! There are definitely two that I looked up in the notes after the test and I knew I'd gotten those wrong. But the others? I don't even know!

My professor form that class said we could email him for the grades tonight and I did. He told me my grade and said I still got an A overall for the class, but I expressed my disappointment in myself. I said I was glad I'd done an extra credit paper after all. His reply not only made me feel a little better about the test, but made my night:

Actually, the extra credit was not needed for your A. You have an excellent understanding of the human musculature and earned an A without any additional help or curve. Nice work. It was a pleasure having you in class.

That was great, truly so nice to hear. But I still don't know which other questions I got wrong and it's going to bother me. I really thought I nailed this one and figured I'd have at least a 95.

Now, I'm worried about the neurology final because I'd been pretty confident in that, too. But now I'm not so sure!

Well anyway. Then I came home, had dinner with Mom, then took my dogs here for a bit and talked on the phone to Gold Dragon who's also doing all of his finals. It's very stressful. We decided to try to go and watch Ninja Assassin after finals are over. I really think that a movie with tons of blood and violence will relieve that stress. (Speaking of, I asked him—like I asked all my other sparring partners—if I'd ever inadvertently gone too hard or been “overzealous” in sparring. Like most of the others, his first reaction was laughter. [To my knowledge, I've always pulled every single punch and kick; I'm so afraid of hurting people that I barely tap them.] His following reaction was a moment of silence followed by, “...Well, sometimes I'm crying on the inside.” But I know he was kidding. It's unanimous; I've never hurt anyone while sparring. Hmm.)

After that I played RE:DC for a little while longer. I've already beaten it, now I'm trying to unlock all the extras and junk. Seriously one of the extra games is that you run around while zombie tofu tries to kill you and you have to shoot it about five times. It's so much harder than the regular game that I've never gotten past the first few minutes because it always touches me to death. Zombie tofu. WTF. I unlocked a replay of the final chapter in which you get Krauser's inner monologue and it seemed kinda fun, and then I got killed by the zombie frogs. I hope I can get Leon's inner monologue. “I wonder if that door leads somewhere. Does that ladder go up as well as down? D'AHHHH! ZOMBIES!”

In other fangirl news, I might yet have gotten my hands on the rare second part of the Gundam Wing series. I've been fighting to get my hands on that bizznatch for freaking months.

And now, I'm off to bed to read the last chapter of the novel I'm reading. I get to sleep late tomorrow and review like a beast for neuro. I just feel like I will never be able to review enough. I read every word of every note in the last few days and I don't feel half as confident as I did for Myo2, and we see how well that turned out. :/ So now I'm all jittery. Think I will go for a massage sometime during school tomorrow.

*fingers crossed*

This weekend wasn't as fab as I thought it was gonna be, because SB and Jo-chan weren't able to stay. But, it was still pretty good all in all. The two of them came over Friday night and stayed for a few hours. They brought over some leftovers which were delish. We played tons of RE:DC, SB and I as Claire and Steve in the saddest and most awesome part of the game. (The Code: Veronica story, with which I wasn't familiar before this. ) We kinda ruled. Jo-chan and my Mom were getting really into the game too. Then we watched Degeneration because SB had never seen it. (That movie is awesome for the perfectly timed joke.)

I hate it when they have to leave.

Yesterday was Saturday and I worked, and for some reason was on fire. I sold tons of stuff; it was just flying off the shelves. Then I came home and got the best news of the week: Sano's blood test results are really encouraging. He's been home since Thursday (he was in the hospital for six days!) and was basically the Glass Dog. I couldn't let him play, or run, or anything. I couldn't even pat him or let him wag his tail too hard, because he had such low platelets. But on Saturday, not only were his platelets on the rise, so were the RBCs and WBCs. The vet who did his blood this time was encouraged and felt that maybe it wasn't just the result of his latest transfusion; that maybe his bone marrow has not been eradicated and maybe his own body is taking over and making its own blood again. I very, very much hope he's right and at any rate, that set the tone for the rest of the day which was relief. :)

Then I baked a pie.

Today, workwise, meh. I hardly sold a blasted thing. People just did not want to hear form me today. The manager of the store I was working assured me it wasn't me; she couldn't even give away discounts. The first customer of the day told her “THIS IS COMMUNISM!” before she even offered the discount card, and that seemed to set the tone for today which was complete non-response from just about everyone.

The rest of the day was a blast. I had been expecting Lady Chrysanthemum, my wonderful friend Kim, and the Druid. The Druid did not make it (I haven't seen this guy in about fourteen years because somehow the dates and times always get mixed up.) I had very much wanted the Gold Dragon to be able to make it, but he was upstate with family for the weekend. So, it was Lady Chrysanthemum, my wonderful friend Kim, and my Mom, at my Mom's house for dinner. The whole thing was so mellow and very nice. Lady Chrysanthemum and I spent a lot of time explaining to Kim and my Mom about the goings on at the Kwon. This is all very hard to relate to unless you're in the middle of it. So many aspects of it are traditional, down to the group dynamics you often see conventionalized in Kung Fu movies. In some ways it doesn't even fit into any paradigm you can imagine today; and yet somehow, I cling to those conventions myself in unexpected ways: these essentially outmoded ideas of status-based “family” in a group of people in a martial art; as if we had something to defend, protect or whatever. Even if it doesn't fit. And even if it is entirely dysfunctional. That's really my fictional self and that's something that Kim pointed out to me tonight. As obvious as it is, it's really not so obvious when you're in the middle of it. A good example of what I mean is the fact that my rib is broken and, added onto all the other injuries, I kind of wear it like a badge. Lady Chrysanthemum mentioned something similar with her black eye and bruised arms. It makes you feel like a damn ninja, or warrior or something but, you know, "this is real life." That's easy to forget, even when (and maybe especially when) you're in the middle of it. Like I mentioned before, you want people to see the bruises and you want them to ask. Then, you want to explain it to them. The weirdest part: You kind of want them to not understand. Of course people on the outside of it shouldn't understand why you would feel stronger after getting hurt, or why you would keep going back for more. They're not supposed to understand. It's yours.

Anyway. Then we talked well into the night about all manner of things from horseback riding to traveling to art. It was very fulfilling.

Oh, but the pie didn't turn out as delicious as I'd hoped. I rushed it, and the crust was really too dry.

It's not a typical way to spend this time of year that everyone else is calling “the holidays” because this year, there are no “holidays.” There's just getting through the next month without it being too hard. I don't want to see lights, or trees, or reds, golds and greens, or wreaths or cards or gifts, or any of the stuff that I normally adore. I don't want to see any of that but I do like to see my friends and my family. I think there will be no more “typical” from now on but hopefully there will be a new way that will be bearable. Hell, let's go really crazy and say “fun,” even. :) Someday.

“Recently opened” files in my OpenOffice program: “Blog37,” “Haecceity1,” “Heacceity2,” “Something with Krislar,” “New general query letter,” “Shorter query letter,” “ten page synopsis,” “shorter synopsis,” “Shortest synopsis EVER.” So those of you who follow my “OMG the NEXT JK ROWLING 4EVA!!1111!11%*#&^%” nonsense will gather that I've been querying again. Why all of a sudden? Because the last query / sample I sent was to a specific publisher who said they had a “no later than three months” period for acceptance or rejection, and the three month mark is Saturday. (Today is Sunday.) They said to resubmit if you just don't hear back from them; none of this “Oh hey did you get my work of genius?” emailing junk. But, that's another three months, you know? I'd actually rather have the rejection right away than send it yet again to the same folks and have to sit by another three months. And I keep getting the same advice: Stop bothering with publishing houses, get an agent yesterday. Maybe that is the way to go? It's worth trying.

SO! There I was, researching agents and I found this one terrific, just effing spectabulous resource for agents and you can search them for the kind of stuff they really like to read. You can also find their blogs and such which, reading the blogs of agents and editors is mucho helpful. At least I hope so. Because they are, like, people and stuff, contrary to popular belief.

I am ever hopeful. Aren't we all, though?

Sano: Still in the hospital. I called today after work to see how he was, and if I could take him home, and was told that they'd pass on a message that I'd called and that the vet would “get back to me” when he had a chance. I fully understand it is an emergency clinic. But, I have a life and I miss my dog. Yeah, today's “life” consists of nothing more than shopping, entering my work data, getting my books ready for school, and playing the new Resident Evil, but still? Waaah.

Rib: Still busted, (I think? No X rays yet,) hurts worse than a few days ago actually. I don't think it's too big a deal because, what, all they do is tell you not to act the fool and go stabbing yourself in the chest for a few weeks or something. (And I guess, no heavy lifting or anything of that nature. No sparring? Well, we'll see. Maybe some light sparring, some sane, retard-free sparring.) I should get it X rayed I guess, but I didn't get my new health coverage yet (letter from ex employers on the 12th of this month: “Just letting you know in advance that your Cobra is expired as of the 11th!” Thanks, assheads!) but more than that, when? When am I going to go and sit around in the ER for ridiculously American hours on end to get an X Ray? With Sano in the hospital, with work, and school, and studying, and finals starting next week? But I saw a doctor at school who assured me it was at least cracked. So, wahh to that, too.

Today at work, I had A Moment. It wasn't one of those moments when missing Dad took me by surprise, but I suspect that all of these wildly illogical urges that I keep having still have something to do with that. I was looking at the rats, and had the insane, almost undeniable urge to just buy one. They were so cute, so engaging and sweet, I wanted one to crawl up my arm and take a nap under my hair. I had it all figured out (I have a cage in a shed somewhere, I can buy some bedding, feed it vegetables, give it a wheel to play on and I can train it OMG, I can give it a cute name or something stupid like call it Heero Yuy, and train him to come when called and do obstacles and, and, and...) I really had to sit there and force myself to see reason. I only have one day off a week; I don't even have the time I'd like to have to hang out with my beautiful crow like I used to. Where am I gonna find the time to train a rat for godsakes?

But it's like I said: Every emotion and thought I have is times a hundred. If something would normally irk me, lately it makes me nuclear. If something makes me sad, lately it makes me want to cry. If something would normally get me nervous, it's a catastrophe of epic frigging proportions. Happy = manic joy completely inappropriate and out of proportion to the situation. And apparently, “Oh, rats are cute” becomes “HOLY EFFING GOD, I WILL TAKE ONE HOME TODAY AND IT WILL BE MY BEST FRIEND.”

Oh! So yeah. So the new Resident Evil, Darkside Chronicles is out and I've been playing it and can I just say, I'm a little disappointed? I mean, hey, great, Leon Kennedy is in it, you get to shoot tons of zombies (their heads have gone from exploding to exploding and shooting disgusting spurts of blood all over the walls, yay!) and they recreated the Raccoon City PD beautifully, so big YAY to that. But here's the deal, you cannot walk the eff around. No, I mean seriously. It is a true first person shooter, meaning that the game walks and looks around for you. All you have to do is shoot. You can't: look behind you unless the game does it for you, go back and pick up something you missed, stare at things, stand around, take your time, enjoy the scenery, talk to people twice, or, hello, move out of the way of bad guys. I'm getting really frustrated! But, at least it's nice to be with Leon Kennedy again.

Additionally, I had a cracked out dream last night that I was getting married to Bill Murray. It wasn't bad, actually. He's kinda hot. I know, dude. Whatever, okay?

Welp, on the menu for tonight: WHO THE HELL KNOWS, because I have to schedule my evening around when vets feel like giving me a call. I would love to take Sano home and then play some RE Darkside Chronicles (hereafter: RE:DC) then, at Mom's house watch Gundam Wing and eat ice cream and then, home to write some more and get into that enjoyment mode and go to bed and read Pattern Recognition which I am really enjoying. But, I don't think it's going to go like that. We'll see.