Blather, rinse, repeat

Today is such a gorgeous day. LIke Bob Marley said, “Sun is shining, weather is sweet.” I took the dogs to the beach for a long walk, and I’ve been outside setting up bird feeders and putting my tropicals out for the season, scrubbing bird baths, re-arranging things, etc. just to be outdoors. Everything is so green and lush, and it smells like the ocean and apple blossoms.

The latest Hyperbole and a Half  gives people a really intense look into what depression feels like. Reading it has made me so grateful that I’m able to enjoy days like today, and more understanding of people who can’t.

So, here's how the rest of my week went. I finished up my last (so far) day of work. I don't plan to take too much time off, because I honestly can't even afford to, so I only hope the clinic will still be there when I get back.

Then I had a doctor appointment, which are once a week now; kind of a pain. I had a different doctor, some dude, whom friends assured me was very chill. He was nice, really; looked at the birth plan I'd written up and agreed with everything on it, etc.

But here's what happened: he was running an hour late. The nurse who weighed me was pissy and in a huge rush. She didn't wait for the scale to stop tipping and she wrote down that I had lost two pounds. (Maybe I'd lost one, or just hadn't gained. Which is totally normal.) But then the doctor saw it, and he thought I measured too small, didn't look right or whatever. So he made me go back for another ultrasound 4 days later. I pretty much had a feeling nothing was wrong and they were just being stupid about it and trying to get some more money, but of course, you worry about things like this anyway.

But, I went back Tuesday and had yet another different doctor who was like, "Umm, why are you here?" Even the u/s lady was all "Everything is perfectly normal, what is the meaning of this?"

So now I'm super annoyed and I hope I don't get this doctor for delivery, because he seems to be an alarmist.

They also keep pestering me to get internal exams every week. (Sorry, TMI.) I keep declining. I think you only need maybe one, before the due date. They were really insistent and totally confused about why I was turning it down. The nurse was literally like "You're really not doing it? I mean... your pants are staying on?" YES, FFS. They were so insistent about getting all up in my puanani that I began seriously to suspect their motives. >_> Back away from the vagina, people.

(A few years ago, Jo-chan and I were trying to come up with some way to invent one of those spring-loaded boxing gloves that you could stick between your legs during an OBGYN exam. It would have a trigger or something that you could pull when the doctor went down there for a look. IDK, I still think that's hilarious.)

But enough about my crotch.

I was supposed to have new windows by now, but contractors across-the-board suck. I'm sorry to any contractors who don't. I don't believe in you; you're like Santa Claus. Not that I can actually afford new windows, but the ones in my bedroom (which is going to be the baby's room) are cracked. Like seriously cracked, completely broken, ice on the inside of the windowsill, black mold building up, can't-get-room-above-50-in-the-winter kind of broken. My Mom actually put it on her credit card, tbh, paying like 50 bucks a month. Anyway, originally they were going to put a rush on it and get it done in the beginning of May, but, contractors, you know. "Beginning of May" means "end of June, maybe."

Oh, here's another thing. I have Havoc outside today. It's not his first time outdoors (I've dragged his entire cage outside a few times, to get him some sun, even though this totally panics him,) but it is his first time in the aviary. I figured, I'm not using it for a while, let's see if he can stand it out there. And honestly, he's been screaming so completely non-stop lately, I have no idea what's causing it but it's driving me insane. Today when I took the dogs to the beach he screamed so loud and so long that I could hear him from my car, down the block. O_O

So, I put him outside and set him up with a bath, perches, food, peanuts, and a toy. He was hysterical for about five minutes until he discovered his water bowl. Then he had a drink, got on a perch, and chilled out. He's nice and quiet now and I am a much calmer person without him screeching the way he has been. I think I'll put him out during the day, and bring him in at night. (He could stay out at night since I fixed the aviary all secure, but IDK, I'd probably be too nervous.)

Oh, and I had Sano's bloodtest done again this month. Once again, everything is normal. (*knock on wood!*) This is the first time in years he's had platelets in the spring. Haku is still having seizures on his new meds, so it's not a totally perfect situation, but Sano not being on pred is totally new. The only thing I did differently this year was give him coconut oil with his dinner, because I read some anecdotal stuff from people with ITP saying that it had worked for them. Very odd. I even started cutting down on his SUPER EXPENSIVE Chinese Medicine pills. Maybe I can get to the point of filling them every 40 days instead of every 20, saving over $100 a month. Let's hope.

As for the rest of today, maybe I'll do a little writing, maybe some recording for HitRECord, maybe some laundry. I've already had the dogs to the beach this morning for a nice long walk, and done lots of outdoorsy work and now my hips are aching again. Well anyway, won't be long now!

Sun is shining, weather is sweet. :)

NOPE.

At least not any more smug than any other smug person, male or female, pregnant or not, with ten kids or pleasantly child-free. Some people are smug sometimes. Why single out pregnant women?

Because I’ll tell you, there is literally no room for smugness in pregnancy, at least not mine.

First of all, your entire body isn’t even yours anymore. The last 6.5 months have been the most disciplined and terrifying months ever.

Autonomy! You* can’t eat what you want anymore. Even if you want to take the chance and eat the “wrong” thing, your appetites change. You try as hard as you can to gulp down the healthy foods, the stuff that’s supposed to make your baby a healthy, magical, supreme genius, and it turns out those are the things that make you want to spew the most. Do you know how hard it is to be smug with your head in the toilet, just thankful that no one can see your miserable self? Then, you want to work out because all the web pages tell you to stay active, but you can’t get off the sofa because you’re either falling asleep, or gagging. And every day for the first twelve weeks, you keep thinking, “What if I lose the pregnancy?”

12 weeks come and go and, if you’re one of the lucky ones, you’re still pregnant. And then your ligaments start to ache and pinch like a bitch. You stand up from your chair and feel like someone’s punched you in the ovary. (It’s not the ovaries though, it’s the round ligaments.) And forget about once you tell everyone. No one will ever look at you more—or more critically—then when they find out you’re pregnant. Are you too fat now? Too thin? You don’t look pregnant enough? You look like you swallowed a planet? Me, I didn’t even start to show until about 3 weeks ago. Here are some super invasive things I had people actually tell me:
“Where are your boobs? Weren’t they supposed to grow?”
“Maybe you’re not eating enough for the baby.”
“I think your baby is going to be extremely small.”
And then, when it finally became a little bit apparent: “You’re losing your figure!”



I decided to find out the gender at 10 weeks. I had the MaterniT21 test, b/c it was mostly covered, and totally safe—just a quick blood test—and because I’m 40 and I wanted to be able to make any difficult decisions early on. MaterniT21 tells you if there are any obvious chromosome disorders present, such as Down’s, Patau Syndrome, and Edward’s syndrome. It also tells you the sex of the baby, yes, that early! And I found out mine is a boy. Cool. I can start thinking about names.

But of course, now I keep hearing all about what I should or shouldn’t buy for him, how to dress him, what color to paint his room (it’s already blue, drat it all; I’d’ve made it amber or something,) and, in my case, because I’m single, tons of “suggestions” about how to get more of a “male influence” around him.

Oh, also? All that stuff you need to do for a baby’s room, like spackling, painting, all that fun stuff? Yeah, you can’t do that, either!

Third trimester comes along and you can’t fit any food in there, even though you know you should. You start stocking up on fiber, hoping to accumulate enough to get you through the day, which doesn’t leave any room for the stuff you’re supposed to have, like those dark leafy greens and such.

Vitamins are gross, heartburn comes at the most unexpected time, you can’t breathe going up the damn stairs, your back starts to hurt, and you’re just pretty much useless to yourself and anyone else.

Wow, how smug am I? SO SMUG.

Then, of course, aside from the fact that everyone has an opinion and a judgment, you’re always questioning yourself, too. How will I screw this kid up? What if I drop him? What if I hurt him? Worst of all, what if he gets sick and there's nothing I can do?

What issues am I going to give him? Will he hate me? What if he wants to run away? What if he gets into drugs, or is a bully? Worst of all, how can you know you’re not carrying the next Adam Lanza in there? This is a legitimate fear. (At least for me.) What if the baby comes out and it’s a total little bastard, or straight up a bad person? I know that most of this is totally in my control, but not all of it. Sometimes, parents really try, and do their absolute best, and they still screw up. Sometimes there really is nothing you can do.

I got a lot of flak last time I called out  that “Pregnant Women Are Smug” song. “It’s just a joke!” “Lighten up!” “You just don’t get it!” I had one Blogger send me an ask that was just full of hate and misogyny because I disagreed with this sillyass song.

I know it’s just a joke; I get that. But isn’t that the same thing that everyone says when they make an attack on women? ANY woman. Whether she’s pregnant, or married, or unmarried, or if she has sex or doesn’t have sex, or if she’s too fat or too skinny, or a slut, or a prude, or gay, or bi, or a mother, or child-free? Isn’t that the same thing everyone says after those “kitchen/sandwich” jokes? “Lighten up, it’s just a joke!”

Sure it is. Most attacks on women are “just jokes.” I’m just really damn tired of them. Especially when they’re this wide of the mark.


ETA: Allow me to follow this up by saying that I fully realize how dang lucky I am, first of all that I was able to get pregnant when I wanted to, and also because I know tons of women have it a thousand times worse. Really. It’s gross and scary and uncomfortable, but for me, it’s doable and I know a lot of women don’t have the luxury.

And I also know a lot of women who breeze through a pregnancy like it’s nothing at all. No sickness, only a little discomfort. They love every second of it. Are they smug? Hey, maybe so. Also, maybe you’re confusing “smug” with “happy.” And we know that we can’t have happy, proud women, now can we? Then those bitches are just “smug” aren’t they?


*You is the general “you.” Everyone’s experience is different.

Today I heard back from an agent I'd queried in November, who requested the first 3 chapters exclusively in December. She wanted them for 3 weeks and when I didn't hear anything, I kind of forgot about it. I was just going to start querying again tomorrow.

But then, after work today, I GOT AN EMAIL FROM HER REQUESTING TO SEE THE WHOLE NOVEL. She wants an exclusive look for 8 weeks. Exclusives are kind of a bummer because you can't query anyone else during that time. But I also think it's worth it. If an agent is interested enough to ask for that, it's a pretty good sign.

This one is really special to me because it wasn't just a synopsis or first ten pages. It was the first THREE, which is 39 pages. Which means, to me, that she thinks the writing is really good. That I'm really good. And if she rejects after this, it's not because the writing sucks, it's just because it's not her kind of thing after all.

This is some really sweet validation. :D

And speaking of sweet validation, my Mom made employee of the year at her job, out of like, 130 employees. They had a party and announced it in front of everyone. It was really cool.

Work is about the same for me. Last week we were really busy, with all the post-holiday gift certificates coming in. But this week, tapering off again. Also, I had to miss yesterday because I had a monthly check-up. It's quick – you pee in a cup, get on the scale, then blood pressure and fetal heartbeat, end of story. But I met a midwife and stayed to talk with her for a while to ask questions. We discussed the fact that I want as little intervention as possible, unless it's an emergency. (Seriously, if I had my way, I'd go and crouch in the forest and bite on a stick till it was over.) She asked me if I was single or if I had a birth partner. When I told her I was single, she was so happy for me. She grabbed my hand and said, "That is so wonderful. Good for you. And I'll tell you something else. Even if you're not single, you're still on your own. There's only so much a partner can do, and in the end, they usually don't do much anyway."



Well, anyway, I should get back to fretting over the rest of this novel. You'd think this whole situation would instill me with confidence, right? Yet every time this happens, I go nuts trying to "correct" things I suddenly think aren't working. Even if I was totally happy with it last week.

And that's what's up this week so far! Woooot!

Stuff I did in the first trimester:

Gagged a lot.
Ate poorly, lost weight.
Slept a lot.
Randomly became allergic to henna (massive hives.)
Watched Lawless in the movie theater (the day before the then-zygote "stuck," I think.)
Watched Looper in the movie theater, while eating grapes and trying not to throw up.
Played Resident Evil 6.
Wrote a Halloween story.
Got a laptop for my birthday.
Worked, but not a lot, because work is very slow now.
Made videos for HitRECord.
Worried about molar pregnancy, Downs Syndrome, the NT and trisomy tests.
Ignored a mandatory evacuation. Went without power for 5 days.
Went to my friend's wedding.

Stuff that happened:

BARACK OBAMA RE-ELECTED.
Gay marriage passed in Maine, Washington and Minnesota.
Senate elections good for women, people of color, and disabled.
Hurricane Sandy!
Nor'easter the following week.

YES, so, the election! Oh man, I could not be happier with the way things turned out. I was sweating this one big time. I was 4 years ago, too, but this one seemed more vital to me. We needed to elect Obama twice. It had to happen.

I watched the elections with my Mom and Jo-chan this time. Four years ago, it was with Glassworker, but she was at work last night. This was Jo-chan's first time voting and I really wanted it to go her way, too. It's a great feeling when you win on your first shot. :D When they called the election, my Mom had gone into the shower, but Jo and I got up to dance and scream. She was moonwalking and I did the Eleventh Doctor's dance before going out onto the porch and screaming "YEEEAAAAAAH!"

It was good. I woke up a few times during last night and went, "OBAMA? YES, OBAMA! *relieved sigh*" and then went back to sleep.

This morning I got up to find messages on my phone, but we had a small power outage (AGAIN) overnight, and now my messages are broken and I can't retrieve them. Which was awful, because I'd been waiting on my overdue Trisomy tests to come back. Let me tell you, I chased the doctor's office and even all the way up to the stupid testing company, calling them all about three times a day to find out what the eff was going on. Turns out, they had lost some of my paper work. So when I saw I had a message this morning, I knew they'd finally straightened it out.

I spoke to my favorite doctor and she asked how I was feeling. "Relieved," I told her, "since the election is over." She laughed and went, "Yeah, WOOO!" And then she told me that the tests were all negative, and that it was a boy.

Now I need to think of some boy names!

Other good news: Sunday my friend Jennel got married. We worked together at The Bad Place and were very close. Her Dad passed a year after my Dad did, and then after that we grew closer. We don't get to visit each other often, but we still talk on the phone and on FB a lot.

It took me forever to decide what to wear, but in the end everyone dressed in their own style anyway, and I shouldn't have been worried. Jennel, of course, looked gorgeous. The ceremony was small, short, and very sweet. Afterwards we all had a terrific dinner, and some dancing. It was lovely to be out there dancing with some of my old pals from The Bad Place, because there are a few of those girls whom I still really love. Also, we did Gangnam Style, which was pretty great.

Jennel had a memorial to her dad arranged, with a photo of her parents' wedding and the boutineer he would have worn. I thought that was a great idea. We stood around chatting about our Dads and getting emotional for a little while.

Another thing happened, which I'll talk about in a locked post.

And now, here we are with another storm on our hands. Everyone else seems to have snow, but we just have freezing rain and insane wind gusts. It is like, Silent Hill cold out there and it's only Nov. 7, wtf. I can't take this.

Also, since Halloween was more or less cancelled because of the hurricane, I've been jonzing like crazy for the holidays. I can't explain it. All I want is Thanksgiving, and then stupid holiday songs and lights, and shopping and annoying bells ringing and all of that junk. And I'm not the only one. Jo-chan is feeling the same exact way. We walk around singing Good King Wenceslas all the damn time. It's ridiculous.

Oddly, I keep flashing back to the holiday chorus shows I used to do in high school. That was always one of my favorite parts of the holiday season, going to the school at night, dressed up, (we always had to wear black and white,) singing all those Christmas songs and ending with Hallelujah Chorus. Mr. Roberts, the choral director, would invite anyone in the audience to come up and sing along. Mostly he got alumni and I remember looking at them thinking, "One day when I'm grown up and awesome and people don't hate me anymore, I'm going to get up here to sing with all the kids, and everyone who's mean to me now will be so jealous." How those people would even know, or care that I was for some reason back in my high school singing along with my old teacher, I never really thought about. It was one of those things.

That was a tangent if ever there was one. Anyway, so I'll talk more about the other thing that happened in a locked post. But maybe tomorrow, because I'm going to bed now. Obama kept me up till after 2 last night! Well, not Obama, but maybe Mitt Romney. I wanted to wait for Obama's speech, but apparently Romney hadn't bothered to write his concession speech so the entire country had to wait on him. :/

So, more tomorrow, then.

On Wednesday, I went for the blood test to confirm the pregnancy. Although, I'd been feeling really crampy the entire week, and no period, so I kind of knew anyway. They called back around 4 and told me "congratulations!" and informed me that my beta—the hcg level—was 3935, with progesterone at 18.9. Beta levels are tricky, because if they're too low, it means that your pregnancy probably won't last. At day 18, which I was then, mine should have been around 300. At nearly 4000, that's pretty much unheard of, even if you're having twins.

Dr. Google informed me that one reason for a rapidly rising beta was a "molar pregnancy," which is when the zygote doesn't have human chromosomes. But it also doesn't self-eject. It just keeps growing inside you like an alien tumor, throwing hormones all over the place.

Naturally, I freaked out and called for an ultrasound ASAP.

I went yesterday.  I'm at nearly 5 weeks* and I didn't think he'd be able to tell anything for sure, but I went anyway. He asked if I was excited and I told him, "Well, I'm really nervous about the super high beta number" and he asked why. O_O I said, "...Molar pregnancy?" And he said, "Oh yeah. I forgot about that."

Umm.

Anyway, not twins. He only found one little zygote in there, but he said that sometimes the second one hides for a few weeks. Still, he thinks it's just the one, and said, "Just remember that the thing you're worried about has a less than 1% chance of happening." I asked him about Down's Syndrome, which is also associated with high beta numbers (but mostly in the second trimester,) and he said, "Chances are about 1 in 300. Or maybe 1 in 100." :/ I asked if that was something he could see, or just statistics, and he said just statistics.

Later, in the office, I asked him what he thought about the super high beta, like if there was a reason for it, and he said, "Maybe you're just off to a really great start." 

Yeah, I'll take that. 

He doesn't' think I need another beta (I've only had the one,) I go back to see him in 2 weeks, and then, in his words, "I kick you out and you go to your regular OBGYN."

So, that was that, and that's all I know so far. I'm pretty much cautiously optimistic. I know it's still early and could go either way right now, so I've only told the few people who knew what I was doing. Obviously Mom, Chrissie, Tim, Spencer and Meghan. My boss, Raquel, Lee, David and Clyde. I'm going to wait to tell Chris in person (he's not even on FB.)

And that's where we are right now.





*It's not five weeks, goddamnit, it's three. I hate this "you're pregnant two weeks before you're pregnant" thing, like every woman just walks around in a state of potential pregnancy. So insulting.