Future nostalgia
Jul. 16th, 2013 06:31 pmLast time I wrote, I mentioned that I had a case of Baby Blues for a few weeks after Callum was born. (It's not PPD unless it starts to go past 6 weeks. It didn't.) I still get a little blue around 6 PM or so; not sure why. Never did before. Maybe it's because that's about when I'd start leaving to go to Kung Fu?
Here's a weird thing I didn't mention. Okay, so I gave my bedroom to Callum, but I'm still sleeping in there. But it's definitely a nursery, with his stuff instead of mine. All of my bedroom stuff (except my bed, which he'll eventually get,) is in the new room. So it's a really nice nursery, bright and airy and happy looking and whatnot, with mobiles and interesting toys and such.
Yet when I go in there before my shower to make up his crib for the night, and get everything set up for (non)sleep time, I end up getting the weirdest feeling. It's like a kind of future nostalgia; that's what I call it. I feel like I'm already this ancient, old woman, like a hundred years old, somewhere in a retirement home or something like that, thinking back to the days when I was a brand new mother. And I'm remembering making up his bed at dusk, with the summer wind blowing the curtains, and the western sun coming in through the window. I'm this old woman somewhere unfamiliar, and Callum is grown with kids of his own, and all of this has already happened. Everyone I know now is gone, and all the Disney trips and other traveling, all the school years and graduations, new cars, weddings and funerals and joys and tragedies are all done, and I'm just looking back on it, maybe thinking "It seemed hard at the time, but I wish I could go back."
I have the clearest memory of his nursery - as I'm in it. It's not deja vu in that I don't have that peculiar "I've done this before and I know what comes next" feeling. It's actually kind of weirder than that.
Okay, so moms? Or anyone else? You don't have to be a mom to have bizarre feelings, that's for sure! What even is up with that?
Oh, last night I had a visit from my best friend, Glassworker. I was so happy to see her and hang out with her again – but, again, it was so damn strange. My Mom took Callum for about 2 hours so that we could hang out and watch some Dexter, chat and catch up and everything. Exactly like we always used to do, so it was awesome that we haven't changed, and our friendship hasn't changed, and some things are constant like that. BUT, of course, it was still a totally bizarre feeling, because the last time we did that, I wasn't a mom. So for as much as it was just the same, it was also completely different. Know what I mean?
Anyway. Strange times, right? Ugh, okay, I just had to get that out of my system. Mom is with Callum now and I'm dyeing my roots. So I have to go rinse, and shower, and then feed him again and watch some TV at Mom's for a bit. Re-watching Lost, actually. :) (Finished Merlin, heartbreaking. What is up with BBC? Why is everything so depressing? Of course, Arthurian Legend is kind of a foregone conclusion, but. Yeah.)
Really time to rinse my hair now. But glad I had a chance to sit and write this all out.