Tomorrow, some sad thoughts, and "some people" WTFery

[la_belle_laide]

Gran is coming home tomorrow, which in a way is very joyful, but is also a constant reminder of "lasts." I don't handle "lasts" very well. Every few minutes I think of yet another thing that is no longer going to happen. No more Sunday Home Depot runs with Grandma to pick out flowers for her garden. For some reason, that one is the hardest for me. I can't stop thinking about it. I won't get to pick out a birthday or christmas gift for her. Things like that.

There's a space cleared out for her new bed, and the hospice people are supposedly very helpful and very nice. It will be so much easier for my Mom, who has spent most of last week at the hospital.

Gran is alternately happy and content in the day, and depressed and violent at night. She's a "sundowner," that's what they call them. Even when she's happy, she's still not herself though. Well, once in a while she is, but she's so different to what she was even last week.

The doctors said that she could live another two or three months, but everyone who knows her seems to think that's very generous. So, I have to call the coordinator of the China trip and tell her that I'm not going this time, and try to get the money back. (I think they refund all but the down payment.) It's like everyone is telling me: China will still be there in a few months, but my Grandma probably won't.

I'm sorry this is such a sad post. I keep this blog mostly as a future reminder for myself: "This is where I was on this day. This is what was going on, this is what the weather was like, this is what I was thinking about." But I realize that it's also entirely public. If I had a problem with that, I would make it totally private. I usually don't have a problem with it.

What I do have a problem with is random people showing up and I don't know who the hell they are, and they act in a way that I find just socially wrong. There are some other things going on in my life that I would write about, but they are insignificant compared with the prospect of losing my Grandma, and I was really more than irritated with a few people who commented last time: I mean it was really galling. If you're going to read the post, fine, if you're going to comment, that's also fine. If you're not going to comment, hey, that's fine, too. Sometimes people don't know what to say. Sometimes people skim their f-list. Sometimes other things come up and they just don't have time. That's cool because this is fortunately not my support network in rough times.

But to comment on one stupid, insignificant little annoyance I mentioned and not even spare a word, a single stupid thought about the rest of it? Seriously, people? I mean, seriously?

And who the hell is Coffeerama? Does anyone know? Because they randomly showed up on that post, babbled about Macs and then buggered off. WTF?

Comments

[reanimated.livejournal.com]

:/ i'm one of those people who doesn't really know what to say, but i am sorry you're going through this. it sucks. sadly, it happens sooner or later so the best i can say is make the most of whatever time is left. *hugs*

[la-belle-laide.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) It is so hard to know what to say and I'm the same way when someone else is going through something. But, you are so right; she's still with me now so it's best to make the most of it and be thankful. That's so true. :) Some people don't get that chance.

Thank you!

[reanimated.livejournal.com]

indeed. you at least have the benefit of knowing the situation, it's different when something happens more suddenly.

[la-belle-laide.livejournal.com]

Definitely. It is more of an opportunity. :)

[skitty-kitty.livejournal.com]

No apologies, you. And my mom went through a very similar deal with her dad and his issues stemming from diabetes.

More hugs to you! Sorry it can't be more.

[la-belle-laide.livejournal.com]

Your Grampa too? I seem to remember you saying that once, now that you mention it. It's just never easy.

Hey, Izumi-chan, you have always been there with your kind and inspiring words. Believe me, you are a wonderful friend. :)

[skitty-kitty.livejournal.com]

He had major complications from his diabetes because the hospital workers really fucked him over after he took a spill on the ice and cracked his head. My mom spent years caring for him after that, and I've always admired her devotion. It's hard work, and I hope to be half the daughter she was to him.

Ha, you have no idea how much it tickles me to have that nickname. ;D (though i suppose now you do, lol) Same goes for you, Sei-chan, I feel really lucky I've gotten to know you. :D

[la-belle-laide.livejournal.com]

We learned in school the other day that the third highest death-rate of people over 50 is iatragenic. That SUCKS. I'm real sorry that happened to your family, too. I know what you mean about your Mom; I feel the same way. I hope that I could be half as strong as she is. She's been through a lot and she takes care of everyone.

OMG, and I love being Sei-chan, too.

We are SO going to Japan one day. ^_^

[skitty-kitty.livejournal.com]

YUS!

[(Anonymous)]

I'm so sorry - my best to you, your family, and especially your Gran. It's good to hear she gets to come home, though. Hospice workers are some of my personal heroes.

I think I know what you mean about "lasts." I, too, have difficulty negotiating the knowledge that something is coming to an end. Thus, I try to soften my lasts with some firsts. When my grandmother passed, I started my annual geranium-potting day (her favorite flower). Her last flowerbed/window boxes became my first.

Best thoughts...
Becki

[la-belle-laide.livejournal.com]

You know, that is a really great idea. It helps that you understand the feeling too, and that it works for you. I think I will try that as well.

Thank you!