updates

[la_belle_laide]

Gran is still in the hospital. They didn't find evidence of a stroke, but she is still not doing well. They can't seem to put their finger on why. They keep saying "dementia" as if that were a disease instead of a symptom, and no one can seem to explain why A) she is in so much pain and B) she can't form words or open one eye some of the time. Right now they have had to strap her arms down because she was fighting them and ripping out her IVs and stuff. I think they also have her massively drugged as well. I'm going to go visit her tonight.

The thing about Gran--something everyone seems to agree without talking about it much--is that she's not going to get better. They might make her feel better for a while, but I think as far as her mind goes, she's not going to be the way she was. She is so unaware so much of the time, and this really all happened within a few weeks. She recognizes people, but it seems to take her a few seconds to even realize they are there. I don't really see her "recovering" from this. I think it's just how she will be.

I also just left Haku at the neurologist. His MRI and spinal tap are both tomorrow. It was so hard to leave him there, I was fighting not to cry when I was signing him over. The neurologist didn't really put me at ease. I went in there feeling like I was going to rule out anything really bad and then just treat him for epilepsy, but not it's more like diagnosing something that the dr. knows is already wrong, he just doesn't know what yet. Haku had some neurological deficiencies in his hind legs when he tested him. Most of the things he mentioned are treatable. Not curable, but treatable. But, none of them are good things. I mean, obviously if a dog is having seizures, it's not going to be anything good.

I missed school today but I have a chemistry test tomorrow and I really can't miss any more days. I should sit my ass down and study for my test but I don't know how I'm going to concentrate. Oddly enough, the last time I was going through this with Haku was on a Monday and I was trying to study for my chemistry mid term. That was the day before his exploratory surgery.

I just wish I hadn't gotten this false sense of hope in the meantime.

I know it's useless to worry, but it's how I'm built.