How things work out
May. 15th, 2006 01:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
la_belle_laideWhoa, HUGE thunderstorm. Haku is growling at the thunder. Actually, he growls a few seconds before it, like he can hear it coming. Trisky is in her bed looking very put upon, and Sano is hiding in the bathroom, shaking. Pendragon couldn't care less, except that he hasn't seen the sun in a few days and that's no good.
I got an invitation to my friend's wedding today. Actually, I've got a few wedding and baby shower invitations to sort through for this summer. I'm dancing at my work-friend's wedding in August and that's going to be great, but... Well, this wedding invitation I got today is really special to me. I had hoped that I would get one, and wished that I could actually go. It's in California. I'm so majorly bummed out that I can't manage it. I think that years from now I'm going to probably kick myself for not scraping up enough money to go. But then, money is an issue lately.
This morning, in bed, I figured out the way to end book two, finally. I only hope that I can remember it.
Blah blah blah avoiding the real issue as usual. Money is an issue because I'm saving up to have a baby.
Okay, now back up, because I didn't mean like now.
I've been prattling for about a year about this vague "decision" I had made to be a Single Mother by Choice. Yes, there is even a web page and mailing list and meetings, a philosophy and stuff! The "philosophy" part is important, especially number six: "The word "choice" in our title has two implications: we have made a serious and thoughtful decision to take on the responsibility of raising a child by ourselves, and we have chosen not to be in a relationship rather than be in one that does not seem satisfactory." (Bolding mine.)
Anyway, this "decision" of mine was something I've actually thrown around since I was in my early twenties, only back then it was "If I don't find the right guy by the time I'm 27, I'm going to the sperm bank!" My Mom, laughing, used to tell me that she thought the same thing when she was my age, but not to worry, because I would find him. And even up until last year, when I first started writing about it here, there was still something sort of "I dare you" about it, like I was waving my fist at The Fates and saying, "If I don't get married, I will go and be a Mom on my own ... SEE IF I DON'T!" Which was silly, because there are no Fates who are going to go, "Wow, this chick really is serious, better send her that Ewan McGregor clone we had saved up, double quick!"
Something--and maybe actually saying it to somebody who actually didwant to be with me--made me understand the difficult truth: I don't really want to be married. It's tempting to say "unless he can make me so happy that I don't care what I have to give up for him," but there really is no more "unless." That's not going to happen, and it's not anyone's fault or anything. I love my home. I love sleeping in my own bed. I love my last name, and I mostly really don't want to "belong" to anyone. I don't like to share the TV or have to get dressed up or have someone in my face all the time.
Now, you're saying, "Yes, but you have to do all of that with a child!" Well, yeah, definitely! But a child is what I want the most, and I'm willing to give those things up for that reason. Only for that reason. But this, too, is going to take a lot of work. It's going to take me some time to get there. In a marriage, people prepare for this sort of thing together. And in a good marriage, the two people have already learned to share what, to me, are two valuable resources: time and space. I've been on my own for a long time. That's not to say that I've got either of those things in abundance--I don't--but I treasure what I have. And giving those things up to three dogs, a lizard, and a ton of birds and wildlife, well, that seems just paltry when compared to what you have to give up for a child. You have to start to live for someone else. I understand this. It's part of why it's all taking me so long. I know I'm not there yet.
I know a few women who just blithely have babies and then don't change. They pop them out like it's nothing and then, aside from changing and cleaning and cooking for extra people, don't change much else about their lives. I'm not like that. Selfish though I can be, my sense of responsibility (and I mean to things that I've made the decision to take on,) would compel me to change in every way. People often say to me that I'm obssessed with my pets, they imply that I shouldn't spend so much time worrying, that I should get out more, especially in the summer, and not let the whole wildlife thing hold me back. When I panic over something going on with one of my pets they like to say, "Imagine how you're going to be as a mother?" Yes, imagine. I'll probably do little more than live for the little human creature.
Then there are the more practical aspects to it. I'm in debt right now, and I have to get out of it. Which would be easy enough, I guess, if I didn't spend so much money on myself: trips to Indiana to study Hula, tiles for my kitchen, books, movies, thousands of dollars on worms for my birds in the summer, video games, Kung Fu. I'm going to have to do without a lot of those things. I will probably just hang on to Hula and Kung Fu. I would like to do a few more things before I do something as huge as having a baby, things that I would have to put off indefinitely if I did have a baby, like traveling, going to meet my friend Min across the country, going back to Hawai'i, going to Japan or Italy. That's going to put me further in debt, more debt that I will have to clear up before considering having a baby.
Then there's actually, you know, having it. Unlike the traditional way, which is free, I'm going to have to pay at least a thousand just to get pregnant, that's if I'm lucky. After that, anything I make is going to have to go into raising this kid, sending him/her to college eventually. People like to say, "Don't worry, the money will be there." But when it comes to something this drastic, I don't think that's enough. And besides, I do worry. I worry like it's my job.
There's the weirdness factor, too. I've talked about this to my Mom, but this is something I'm going to have to explain to my Dad, and that's just plain awkward. Worse, I'm going to have to walk around being pregnant and single in front of my entire family, whom I see often, and wonder what they're thinking. They'll be around to see this all happening, and know that it's not traditional and all of this, but then at the end of the day, I'm going to be pregnant alone. Which, that's not so bad. I'd rather deal with that stuff by myself. I'm close with my family, but this family doesn't like to talk about stuff like love and feelings and we've all always been like that. "I love you" is saved for special occasions, and saying it out of the blue is always cause for suspicion that something is wrong. A random "I love you" might be answered with, "Oh my god, is someone dying?!"
I hope, when the time comes, I can drive myself to the hospital. But to be honest, ideally I would just go into the woods and bite on a stick while I delivered the kid myself. Then clean everything up and go home with it like it just dropped out of the sky.
It's really weird the way things turn out, though. My mom and her sister were pregnant together, and had my cousin and I eight days apart. My cousin and I were kids together in the same house, constantly together and best friends up until we were around 13 or so. Adolescence came between us, but we became friends again in our twenties. A few years ago she and her husband moved across the street, and we became close friends again. Since we were little kids, we knew we wanted to be pregnant together and have our own kids grow up the way we did, so that they would alway have a best friend. That was our plan. But she's got a husband and can't carry a child, and I can carry a child but I don't have a husband. We're both 33 now and trying to work these things out. She sent out her adoption form today. Damn, man, I've got to get on this! ;D
So yeah, in short: big changes on the (distant?) horizon. Big changes for a girl whose most challenging tasks today are: really striving towards that green belt in Kung Fu, and trying to complete Kilik's entire story in Soul Calibur III. (Cause dude, that Tales of Souls nonsense is complicated, yo.)
I got an invitation to my friend's wedding today. Actually, I've got a few wedding and baby shower invitations to sort through for this summer. I'm dancing at my work-friend's wedding in August and that's going to be great, but... Well, this wedding invitation I got today is really special to me. I had hoped that I would get one, and wished that I could actually go. It's in California. I'm so majorly bummed out that I can't manage it. I think that years from now I'm going to probably kick myself for not scraping up enough money to go. But then, money is an issue lately.
This morning, in bed, I figured out the way to end book two, finally. I only hope that I can remember it.
Blah blah blah avoiding the real issue as usual. Money is an issue because I'm saving up to have a baby.
Okay, now back up, because I didn't mean like now.
I've been prattling for about a year about this vague "decision" I had made to be a Single Mother by Choice. Yes, there is even a web page and mailing list and meetings, a philosophy and stuff! The "philosophy" part is important, especially number six: "The word "choice" in our title has two implications: we have made a serious and thoughtful decision to take on the responsibility of raising a child by ourselves, and we have chosen not to be in a relationship rather than be in one that does not seem satisfactory." (Bolding mine.)
Anyway, this "decision" of mine was something I've actually thrown around since I was in my early twenties, only back then it was "If I don't find the right guy by the time I'm 27, I'm going to the sperm bank!" My Mom, laughing, used to tell me that she thought the same thing when she was my age, but not to worry, because I would find him. And even up until last year, when I first started writing about it here, there was still something sort of "I dare you" about it, like I was waving my fist at The Fates and saying, "If I don't get married, I will go and be a Mom on my own ... SEE IF I DON'T!" Which was silly, because there are no Fates who are going to go, "Wow, this chick really is serious, better send her that Ewan McGregor clone we had saved up, double quick!"
Something--and maybe actually saying it to somebody who actually didwant to be with me--made me understand the difficult truth: I don't really want to be married. It's tempting to say "unless he can make me so happy that I don't care what I have to give up for him," but there really is no more "unless." That's not going to happen, and it's not anyone's fault or anything. I love my home. I love sleeping in my own bed. I love my last name, and I mostly really don't want to "belong" to anyone. I don't like to share the TV or have to get dressed up or have someone in my face all the time.
Now, you're saying, "Yes, but you have to do all of that with a child!" Well, yeah, definitely! But a child is what I want the most, and I'm willing to give those things up for that reason. Only for that reason. But this, too, is going to take a lot of work. It's going to take me some time to get there. In a marriage, people prepare for this sort of thing together. And in a good marriage, the two people have already learned to share what, to me, are two valuable resources: time and space. I've been on my own for a long time. That's not to say that I've got either of those things in abundance--I don't--but I treasure what I have. And giving those things up to three dogs, a lizard, and a ton of birds and wildlife, well, that seems just paltry when compared to what you have to give up for a child. You have to start to live for someone else. I understand this. It's part of why it's all taking me so long. I know I'm not there yet.
I know a few women who just blithely have babies and then don't change. They pop them out like it's nothing and then, aside from changing and cleaning and cooking for extra people, don't change much else about their lives. I'm not like that. Selfish though I can be, my sense of responsibility (and I mean to things that I've made the decision to take on,) would compel me to change in every way. People often say to me that I'm obssessed with my pets, they imply that I shouldn't spend so much time worrying, that I should get out more, especially in the summer, and not let the whole wildlife thing hold me back. When I panic over something going on with one of my pets they like to say, "Imagine how you're going to be as a mother?" Yes, imagine. I'll probably do little more than live for the little human creature.
Then there are the more practical aspects to it. I'm in debt right now, and I have to get out of it. Which would be easy enough, I guess, if I didn't spend so much money on myself: trips to Indiana to study Hula, tiles for my kitchen, books, movies, thousands of dollars on worms for my birds in the summer, video games, Kung Fu. I'm going to have to do without a lot of those things. I will probably just hang on to Hula and Kung Fu. I would like to do a few more things before I do something as huge as having a baby, things that I would have to put off indefinitely if I did have a baby, like traveling, going to meet my friend Min across the country, going back to Hawai'i, going to Japan or Italy. That's going to put me further in debt, more debt that I will have to clear up before considering having a baby.
Then there's actually, you know, having it. Unlike the traditional way, which is free, I'm going to have to pay at least a thousand just to get pregnant, that's if I'm lucky. After that, anything I make is going to have to go into raising this kid, sending him/her to college eventually. People like to say, "Don't worry, the money will be there." But when it comes to something this drastic, I don't think that's enough. And besides, I do worry. I worry like it's my job.
There's the weirdness factor, too. I've talked about this to my Mom, but this is something I'm going to have to explain to my Dad, and that's just plain awkward. Worse, I'm going to have to walk around being pregnant and single in front of my entire family, whom I see often, and wonder what they're thinking. They'll be around to see this all happening, and know that it's not traditional and all of this, but then at the end of the day, I'm going to be pregnant alone. Which, that's not so bad. I'd rather deal with that stuff by myself. I'm close with my family, but this family doesn't like to talk about stuff like love and feelings and we've all always been like that. "I love you" is saved for special occasions, and saying it out of the blue is always cause for suspicion that something is wrong. A random "I love you" might be answered with, "Oh my god, is someone dying?!"
I hope, when the time comes, I can drive myself to the hospital. But to be honest, ideally I would just go into the woods and bite on a stick while I delivered the kid myself. Then clean everything up and go home with it like it just dropped out of the sky.
It's really weird the way things turn out, though. My mom and her sister were pregnant together, and had my cousin and I eight days apart. My cousin and I were kids together in the same house, constantly together and best friends up until we were around 13 or so. Adolescence came between us, but we became friends again in our twenties. A few years ago she and her husband moved across the street, and we became close friends again. Since we were little kids, we knew we wanted to be pregnant together and have our own kids grow up the way we did, so that they would alway have a best friend. That was our plan. But she's got a husband and can't carry a child, and I can carry a child but I don't have a husband. We're both 33 now and trying to work these things out. She sent out her adoption form today. Damn, man, I've got to get on this! ;D
So yeah, in short: big changes on the (distant?) horizon. Big changes for a girl whose most challenging tasks today are: really striving towards that green belt in Kung Fu, and trying to complete Kilik's entire story in Soul Calibur III. (Cause dude, that Tales of Souls nonsense is complicated, yo.)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-05-16 07:59 pm (UTC)As far as the rest goes, well... up until this winter I was adamantly anti-having-a-kid but somehow something clicked and my brain made a complete turnaround. Maybe because I considered how awesome of a parent my dad is and how he taught me so much and how I want to transfer some of that to a future being. But yeah now, I have a 7-year plan which involves climbing an 8K-or-two, finishing a novel, and starting a business. 32 is not too old for a kid, is it? :-)
By the way, guess who applied for that Waterhouse society? Another GAFF thread.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-16 08:52 pm (UTC)Who applied for the Waterhouse thing? I already left it. Ratings communities are not for me. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 03:48 pm (UTC)http://community.livejournal.com/of_waterhouse/10421.html#cutid1
For me, it's fun to watch just for the sheer amount of wtf?-ery and for the drinking game I am making up (for someone featured in GAFF - two shots; for anyone who looks nothing like a Waterhouse woman - sip but very carefully; for anyone stamped Ophelia or Lady of Shalot - a healthy sip; for an actual Waterhouse look - finish the bottle).
*koffkoff* I'm 33, so I'd have to say that 32 is not too old. ;)
Heh, I have this uncanny ability to drain the "rhetorical" out of "rhetorical question".
no subject
Date: 2006-05-17 04:16 pm (UTC)