(no subject)

[la_belle_laide]

Okay, so, as of this writing, I've only read the Dragonlance books that have featured Raistlin, so I can't honestly call myself a hardcore DL fan. But I feel I know just about enough of Raistlin at this point to speculate on, complain about, and have dorky fun with the idea of Raist doing the deed, or not doing the deed. (Except without the "not" part, because he totally did.)

First, before going on to the "did he or didn't he" aspect, let's take a look at Raistlin's sexual psychology. Raistlin clearly has sexual issues, and they're all about himself and his fears. He's afraid of feeling inadequate. In fact, if you really delve, you might find that his biggest fear isn't failure; it's being emasculated. Raistlin's got some serious phallic-trust issues. Don't believe me? Well, what's the first thing he reaches for when under great stress? What's the one thing he's always making sure is still there, within his reach? What's the one thing he has constant nightmares of being taken away from him? His staff. He's always got his hand on his Staff of Magius, doesn't he? And when Raistlin's in real need of power? When he's at his most desperate, what does he reach for as an ultimate source of power? His ball. How often (and how intensely) does he fondle that dragon orb of his? It's his protection and his means of escape in dire situations. He is really focused on these two things. This is really elementary symbolism here, okay?

Now let's move on to Raistlin's sexual appeal. From Time of the Twins to War of the Twins, Raistlin turns into fangirl bait. Let's just state it once and for all: WOTT is total fanservice. One clever reviewer on the books Amazon.com page commented that the book was "self indulgent" and, in a phrase that made me giggle on and off for an entire week, that Raistlin "practically wears a leather jacket" through this series. Ignoring for the moment the image of Raistlin in a leather jacket (which is actually more sort of humorous than alluring,) we'll just go on knowing that this is true. Raistlin is Heathcliff (of Wuthering Heights--not the cat!) he is Alex Krycek with a nasty cough, Zaha Torte in velvet robes, basically every bitter, hate-filled, ambitious, villainous yet sympathetic hottie ever.

"Hottie?" Why, yes. For those of you who've only read Chronicles but not Legends, I don't want to give too much away. I won't say why this happens, just that it does: Raistlin becomes physically beautiful again. Gone are the hourglass eyes and gold skin and white hair (hello, that's part of what I, at least, found hot to begin with--or at least interesting.) Now, Raistlin is resplendent in his black robes, with broad, strong shoulders and--*gasp!*--muscles, too! I mean, wtf? We're skirting serious "Love My Character" syndrome here. Wisely, Margaret Weis left him really mean, and still sick and frail. (Strong and frail? Again I ask, wtf?) Thankfully, Raistlin is really, really mean. He is a big, blue meanie. Bigger and bluer and meaner than in any of the other books. So she doesn't outright *beg* us to snog him. There is that.

Which version of Raistlin, though, is really hotter? Yes, sure, you can say that this is a matter of opinion, that I am wrong in finding the hourglass-eyed, gold-skinned, white-haired, blood-coughing Raistlin much more appealing than his scrummy, brooding, broad-shouldered incarnation. You can say, "But, TraumaWhore, of course you're going to like that version of him better! He's so much more traumatic!" Okay, I'll give you that one, but have you thought of this? That Margaret Weis means for frail, gold, weak, bloody Raistlin to be more appealing? I've got it all figured out, check it: Margaret Weis has said that the names "Caramon" and "Raistlin" are both meaningful. "Caramon" is supposed to sound like "caring man" and "Raistlin" is supposed to sound like "wasting", as in, wasting away. But take away the "T" and "L" in "Raistlin", and what do you get? Raisin. And what do we know about raisins? That they started out as grapes--young, firm and full of juice. Then, after months of hardship, they wither. But in the process, they become tougher and sweeter. Nature's candy. Raistlin is sweeter in his shriveled, dried out husk of a grape (man) form.

So, moving on. The question on the table is: Has Raistlin Majere ever scored, or is he The Big V? There doesn't seem to be any 100% canonical evidence either supporting or denying either scenario--thanks so much to the continuity problems, plot discrepancies and obvious retrofitting that do tend to mar this otherwise lovely series--so I choose to believe that Raistlin has gotten some. Not oodles, maybe, (*maybe!*) but some. I can prove it, too.

Let's start with the passage that brought this whole idea on, the passage that I, both perv and TraumaWhore, liked best.

Back in time, and the very day before the Cataclysm, Raistlin is getting weaker and sicker, because he can feel the presence of the gods. One god, specifically: the Queen of Darkness, Takhisis. (So I guess Goddess is more like it.) Oh, he very much feels it! So much so, that, in the midst of this thus far very sexually tame series, Raistlin, of all characters, wakes up stark nakie after a night of erotic dreams. ("I had my first real sex dream / bought it at the five and dime / played it till my fingers bled / it was the summer of sixty-nine...." *Snick* Yes, YES, I know, those aren't the real words, but I am a giggling twelve year old brat at heart.) And the passage is pretty shameless, even for my standards:

"Raistlin woke on that morning, in the dark hour before the dawn, so ill he could not rise from his bed. He lay naked, bathed in sweat, a prey to the fevered hallucinations that had caused him to rip off his robes and the bedcovers. The gods were indeed near, but it was the closeness of one god in particular - his goddess, the Queen of Darkness - that was affecting him."

You just BET it was affecting him. (Me, too! Raistlin! Ripping his clothes off! Just think about that for a moment!)

...

.....

.......

*cough* Anyway. To the dream:

"He had not seen her as the Dark Warrior, leading her legions to death and destruction. No, she had appeared to him as the Dark Temptress, the most beautiful of all women, the most seductive, and thus she had spent the night with him, tantalizing him with the weakness, the glory of the flesh. Closing his eyes, shivering in the room that was cool despite the heat outdoors, Raistlin pictured to himself once again the fragrant dark hair hanging over him; he felt her touch, her warmth. Reaching up his hands, letting himself sink beneath her spell, he had parted the tangled hair - and seen Crysania's face!"

(*GASP!* Crysania's face!!!!!111oneoneone!111!!!!!! Why, yes, I am annoyed by the overuse of exclamations points in this series!!!!!1111111)

Okay, this is *Raistlin*, first of all. We know that Caramon's gotten loads of booty because Caramon is a manwhore, plus, we've seen Caramon in action at least once (and so, unfortunately, has Raistlin.) Thus far, the "Raistlin accidentally sees his brother nailing the girl he himself had fallen in love with" scene was the only one (in the books I read, anyway,) with actual nookie in it. I think it even had the word "breast." Well, okay, we also nearly got to see Tanis and Kitiara getting it on, (the boots! The boots!) and certainly Tanis had it on his mind a few other times. We never see Flint (thank god) or Tas (stop it!) or Goldmoon and Riverwind or any of them get it on. Once we did see Laurana's snippety elf brother huggle his nakie lover by the pond, but that's about it for TEH SEXX!

But this scene? This one scene with Raistlin and the Goddess and the First Real Sex Dream? Well, even though it kinda reads like a bodice-ripper (I guess that would be Raistlin's bodice getting ripped, though, and I dare you to picture that, especially when you're at work,) that's kind of really hot! Um, that aside, though. Let's piece this thing together logically, and vividly. First of all, let's take the words "sex" and "dream" and see if they both really apply.

Sex: Was there sex going on? Let's see. "Tantalizing." "The glory of the flesh." "Dark hair hanging over him." If her hair was hanging over him, probably so was some of the rest of her. I mean, she wouldn't just sort of stick her hair in his face, right? Dude, she was totally doing him. (Though I'm not sure why he was parting tangled hair in front of her face, I mean, sure, she must have been leaning forward, but he still should have been able to see her face without parting her hair. I'm getting creepy "The Ring" images here, though, so let's not think about this too much more.) So from that, we can assume that the "sex" part is accurate.

Dream: Was it only a dream? Everyone has sex dreams, (certainly it mustn't honestly be Raistlin's first real sex dream, what with all his staff-stroking and all.) But everyone knows that the gods are really there on this night of nights. The Dark Queen knows what Raistlin's got planned--to overthrow her--and that the clever boy might win. She knows that there is one thing that will turn his mind from his plan, and that's for him to dance the featherbed jig with the first gal who happened to come along and say, "Raistlin, your hands turn me on," in other words, Crysania. So she does what she has to do, all the while looking like Crysania. Plus, she probably thought it was fun.

So! There's the first example of Raistlin doing sex. And don't tell me it doesn't count as real sex if it was with a deity, because that's bullcrap and you all know it. It counts. The Dark Queen herself shagged him delirious, and she was a total cowgirl.

Lemme get tangential on you guys for a second, here. Over on GAFF, (Godawful Fanfiction,) there was a discussion of this one godawful MarySue that I had found, in which the Sue snogs Raistlin pretty endlessly. Following was a discussion of Horizontal Refreshment With Raistlin. One gal felt that Raistlin wasn't a sexual being at all. I opined that, while he is a very sexual being, doing Raistlin would be a cooooold, cooooold experience. In response to this, one of the fun and witty ladies there astutely commented, "I'm sure he'd want to top, but the chances of him coughing up something are rather high, and I don't know any females who'd want to be below that." To which I replied, "On the other hand, though, if he was all spelled out, it wouldn't be too hard to pin him. The most he could do is wheeze and try to slap your hands away. BWAHAHAA! Not that, uhh, I gave it any thought or anything." Uh, yeah. So.

So now, we have at least one instance of Raistlin making with the love, and it was with a goddess, no less. Are there more? Well, there are two more stories that definitely involve Raistlin doing the deed, but both are mysterious and questionable. So the answer is, yes and no. But really, yes.

Why is it so freaking hard to figure out? Discrepancies and continuity problems in the series. You thought Kitiara's age changed around a lot? Nothing compared to the Raistlin/Nookie discrepancies. Most notably: the different accounts between Raist's alleged "experiment" in WOTT, and the Miranda story in The Soulforge. One is never quite sure if the author, when relating these tales, means for them to be the same story. Since the Legends trilogy was written after the Raistlin Chronicles, which are prequels, I can't imagine why there's so much retrofitting going on here. Let's look at the two stories side by side, starting with the Miranda story in "The Soulforge."

Miranda was the Hot Girl of Solace, and one day, when Raistlin was 19 or 20, Caramon mentioned, in passing, that Miranda thought Raistlin was "special" for having saved her niece from illness. Raistlin is very much like a refrigerated chocolate truffle at this point in his life, cold and brittle on the outside, and soft and chewy and tasty on the inside. So he took her comment very much to heart. That day, going for a walk, Miranda plows right into him, clearly on purpose, scattering the fabrics she was carrying everywhere. In a rare show of courtesy, Raistlin apologizes profusely and helps her pick them all up, all flustered because she is basically throwing herself at him. Then she touches his hand, which sends Raistlin--who has never had a girl touch his hand in that way before--over the edge, and he leans down to kiss her. By all appearances, she is going to kiss him back, but then her mother calls her home. In parting, Miranda tells Raistlin to come visit her sometime. At night. Alone. For sex. (Okay, she didn't specify it exactly, but we get the picture.) So, that night, Raistlin goes. Not for sex, but just to look at her house, thinking all the while of all the romantic things he will do, like ask her father--a tailor--if he can court Miranda, and then give up his life's quest in magic in order to live with her and help her run the family business. Then he hears a noise in the shed and, like in all good tragedies (except without the dead bodies,) he goes to investigate. In the shed, he finds Caramon and Miranda mixing the peanut butter. Horrified, sick, wretched and all that other really sad stuff, Raistlin runs off, all the way down to the end of town where he finds--Oh, but just go and read the book if you want to know what he finds. Anyway, Raistlin swears off this romance crap 4EVA!!!!!!!11

That's the story we get in The Soulforge. Then, along comes Time of the Twins, with this passage:

"Raistlin had certainly never attracted the attention of women, not like his handsome brother. Absorbed, obsessed by his studies of magic, he had not felt the loss - much. Oh, once he had experimented. One of Caramon's girlfriends, bored by easy conquest, thought the big man's twin brother might prove more interesting. Goaded by his brother's gibes and those of his fellows, Raistlin had given way to her coarse overtures. It had been a disappointing experience for both of them. The girl returned gratefully to Caramon's arms. For Raistlin, it had simply proved what he had long suspected - that he found true ecstasy only in his magic.

This certainly doesn't sound like the same Miranda story, does it? Sure, Miranda was "one of Caramon's girlfriends," and definitely I can see Miranda being "bored by easy conquest" and trying to bag Raist...or perhaps that might be Raistlin's view of what had happened. And, in at least one instance in The Soulforge, earlier on, Raistlin was encouraged by his brother, (but not by Caramon's "gibes." Caramon did try to encourage Raistlin to get some, he even taught him to dance with girls, we later find out, but he didn't "goad" him or tease him. Again, I can see Raistlin "adjusting" his memories of Caramon to fit this scenario, but it's never bluntly stated, which is part of why I like this series.) Likewise, I can also see Raistlin thinking that Miranda had made "coarse overtures," even though he was the one who wanted to kiss her. But it's the phrase "disappointing experience for both of them" that makes me think this is not the Miranda story. Sure and Raistlin was disappointed by Miranda (devastated, really, though he'd probably like to deny that,) but was Miranda disappointed? Most assuredly not. Nuh-uh. This is not the same story. The term "experimented" alludes to some kind of sexual contact, though whether or not they went all the way is totally up for speculation. That Raistlin had "given way" totally makes me think that he at least let her do whatever she wanted. (Passive much, Raist?) So they probably went all the way, and therefore that makes two instances of Raistlin getting his ashes hauled. Isn’t that lovely?

Then there's that little "Raistlin's Daughter" thing. This is the gist: Some weirdass chick named Amberyl from some weirdass race called the Irda gets herself hooked up with Raistlin. (Some big guy at a tavern tried to carry her off, and Raistlin, in a truly wonderful moment in fiction, stabs the would-be rapist to death. Lovely.) The Irda are really special in that, once they get hooked up with someone and they feel the Valin, which is supposed to be this deep and spiritual Lifemate thing but is probably really lust at first sight, they have to Mate Or Die. Well, after casually murdering someone, Raistlin snarkily rips the girl's cloak away from her face and freaks out because she is Teh PRITY!!!!! He's like "Good gracious, ass is bodacious!" And she's all, "Get off me, creep!" And she runs to her room and Raistlin goes to his. Doors slam. So there.

In his room, Raistlin realizes, "Hey, I feel like crap. I think it has something to do with that chick." Said chick, of course, comes to see Raistlin in his room ("Hullo, handsome, please tell me your brother isn't here,") and Raist is like, "WTF did you do to me, beeotch?" and then, ever the petulant bastard, he throws her out of his room. (Actually, this scene, like much of the story, reads like one of these romance novels that my Grandma might read. Raistlin's appropriately tormented and chest-beating and Amberyl is appropriately gasping and using many ellipses.)

Then that night, Raistlin gets Really Sick. (Sicker than ever! Which is what they say every single time he coughs! But never mind.) Caramon ends up carrying him into the woods, because Raistlin has decided that he's safer outside in a blizzard than in the warm inn. Okay, Raistlin, if you say so. The brothers take shelter in a cave and Caramon leaves to find wood. (*snick* For the fire.) Then Amberyl comes to the cave and finds Raistlin Sicker Than Ever and Raistlin is like, "ugggghhh *rasp* *wheeze* *rattle* WTF, beeotch?" And she's all, "I'm from this weirdass race that has to Mate Or Die, and guess what, you're my mate." (You know, that's really smooth. Why didn't I think of that? Honestly, next time some hot mage comes along and he's like, "Gee, I don't feel so good," I'm going to try that one. "Uhh, yeah, that's the Valin. You're can totally die of it. The only thing that can save you is the Light of my Healing Crotch. Sorry if this inconveniences you in any way." And just hope that said hot mage is as easy as Raistlin.)

Anyway, she tells him this, and Raistlin is like, "Uuuughghh.... *twitch* *gasp* *heave* Well I guess we don't have a choice, plus it's cold in here and we have to Have Sex To Stay Warm," (Amberyl: "It's gettin' cold in here, so take off all your clothes...." Raistlin: "I am gettin' so cold, I'm gonna take my clothes off!") and then the scene pans to the curtains blowing in the breeze. (Damn! Are you seriously telling me that no fanfic writer has filled in the gap here? I mean, I've googled everywhere!) And the next morning, Amberyl awakens and erases Raistlin's memory, and, somehow, Caramon's memory of her, too. (And then I say, "WTF, beeotch?") . And there, we have our third instance of Raistlin getting tumbled.

Right? Right? Well, not according to his creator, Margaret Weis, who says that this never happened. Then, Dragons Of Summer Flames rolls around, and there's some chick who's supposed to be Raistlin's daughter, only somehow it seems that she's not. (Raistlin: "You're no daughter of mine. Scram, kid.") Amberyl never happened.

Did Raistlin get his freak on in the cave with that chick? Margaret Weis says no. The sequel says no. The story in the book Love and War (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0880385197/ref=sib_rdr_dp/103-2508844-8488640?_encoding=UTF8&no=283155&me=ATVPDKIKX0DER&st=books) says yes. And look, it was even written by Margaret Weis! And look! Even the cover has the picture of Raistlin and the weirdass chick in the cave! Raistlin in red robes going, "WTF, beeotch?!" (But ignore that picture, because there is much better fanart of that scene, which I can't find, by Vera Gentinetta, who also did the best art of Raistlin, ever: http://www.dragonlance.com/fan/art/display.asp?id=10753 .)

Plus, just look at the story. It reads like a romance novel, and not one of the tame ones either, where they all just dance and then the plain girl marries the reformed yet still hot and dangerous bad boy. I'm talking about the ones that have The Defloration Scene on page 247. Not only that, but the absolute symbolism in the prose! At one point, Raistlin must drop the Staff of Magius in order to catch the fainting girl. (Go, Raist!) Here's what happens: "Letting go of his staff--which remained perfectly upright, standing next to him as though he were holding it..." Ahh, so he lets go of his staff and it remains upright. Erect. Come on! Can we even get any more Freudian, here? Not to mention that, to save the girl, he doesn't use his magic: he uses his dagger. Phallic symbol, anyone? Penetration, anyone? (Uhh, no, that's not an offer, as I'm a girl.)

Yet when Raistlin meets his alleged daughter, he tells her that the whole cave thingy didn't happen, and he is totally certain of it. He says to her, "What magic exists that could banish from my heart the knowledge that I had once been snogged?" Uhh, try Irda magic, you know? (Okay, he says "loved" and not "snogged", but still.) You gave it up, Raist. To some chick you just met in a tavern that very night. On a pile of blankets in a dank cave, you trollop. Deal with it.

What it comes down to is this: You can't write this story and then say that it never happened. Retrofitting is one thing. Cheating is entirely another. Apparently the writers have reduced this story to a campfire tale or a kender tale, told years after Raistlin's "death." "Oh, this one time, the Great Mage Raistlin Majere scored, even though he himself doesn't remember it. Yeah, I just know, okay?" Nuh-uh, I'm sorry, but that doesn't work for me. The story exists and is canonical, otherwise why the hell even write it in the first place? Therefore we have our third instance of Raistlin doing the Rites of Venus.

And there it is. I think that, while Raistlin definitely has some trust issues, he totally scored, no less than three times, and maybe, for all we know, more than that. Go on, just try to deny it; it's all right there in front of you. I think that a lot of fanartists should take this into consideration, you know, I mean especially the Raistlin/Takhisis one. I just think that artistically fans of the series should give every scene some screentime. But that's just me. Also, it's my considered opinion that, in the next world, Raistlin absolutely hooks up with Lunitari. She was, after all, his first love. And don't tell me she didn't flirt with him the first time she saw him. The other gods were like, "Who the hell is this snotty kid?" and Lunitari was all, "Hello, young man. I think you'll be hot in a few years." Well, not in so many words, really, but still.

To review: Raistlin has some sex issues, but he is a sexual being. Raistlin is hot, but, like raisins, he is hotter when he's gold and with the weird eyes and white hair. Raistlin scored no less than three times, once with a goddess, and maybe more, probably with another goddess. Most importantly, if you're out there taking me totally seriously here, then you are stuuupid. And don't forget: You are stuuupid.

Comments

[derumi.livejournal.com]

Bedding The Mage

At first, I thought you were talking about some brand new White Wolf game.

I think I've only read the first 2 trilogies, but I can only remember bare details (plus, Kitiara is hotter than Raistlin, in my opinion. >_>).

[shonagonchan.livejournal.com]

(plus, Kitiara is hotter than Raistlin, in my opinion. >_>).

Ahh, Kitiara was such the slut. Were I to write an essay on her sex life, I'd be sitting here for weeks. ;)

[derumi.livejournal.com]

You'd have my undivided attention. XD