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Mar. 22nd, 2005 08:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
la_belle_laideIn keeping with the spirit of the last f-locked post, let me first say: who the hell cares? It's teh intranets. When I keep a blog, it is mostly for myself; occasionally I do post something on which I would like feedback, but there is never any obligation for anyone on my f-list to even read it, never mind thinking it over and answering it. I don't mean that in a "fine, bastards," kind of way, just a realistic way. No one out there is obliged to care. The only reason this blog is public is because I usually don't care who reads my nonsense, and if I do (as recently with any Hula / Kumu Hula related stuff,) then I just lock that crap, and no worries. I'm not rambling in order to be an internet drama queen or make people look at me, but just because rambling is what I do. And hey, it's my blog, damnit.
So when those of you who actually read posts on your f-list find me writing day after day about a book, movie, show, thought, drawing, or my own silly novel type thing, it's not to get people talking and wondering, it's just so that next year I can look up the date and say, "ah, that's where I was mentally last year at this time."
And lately I've been doing a lot of writing, thinking about writing, and characters, so that's what's on my mind. I'm not looking for a fanbase or glory. I'm not addressing anyone specific unless I mention a specific name. And if it annoys you, de-friend me. I'm about to ramble again.
So, I worry, and we've established that. Worry is what I do. There are a few things that take the edge off this particular neurosis and they are as follows: Hula (although sometimes Hula related issues bring some annoyances, the actual dance--and we're talking real Hula here, not "Rockahula" or whatever the hell--helps me a lot.) Lately, Kung Fu (it's hard to be concentrating on forms and roundhouse kicks and worrying about things at home at the same time.) And, of course, writing.
Writing doesn't exactly help me not worry, but it does sort of force me to work through it. I occasionally find myself using my characters as a stand-in, or even a diary, and although I try to go back and change sections like that, some things just stick. The things that do stick make me worried about myself.
I've mentioned before, half jokingly, that the character Hisoka is probably the biggest MarySue I'd ever write; he is, in so many ways, a stand in for myself. But that he is the only MarySue I'm writing is just sadly not true. The more I think about it, the more I realize that what most writers say is true: the writer is in all of his or her characters. I used to joke about this, too. The Queen has my work ethic and my age issues. The later generation doctor has my insecurities, especially with men. The hero has my impatience and snobbishness. The Seer has my pessimism. Odd that I give the mostly good characters my flaws instead of my attributes, I think. Maybe not MarySues as much as self inserts.
Hisoka, for anyone who A) cares and B) doesn't know dick about these stories, is a sort of underworld lord who, while he tries to maintain order in a chaotic world, blithely kills anyone who gets in his way. His younger half brother, Jin, is a neurotic mess, but otherwise a good soldier, and an accomplished murderer. I do admit to loving these brothers more than I should, and I realized lately that, not only does Hisoka serve as a stand-in for me, but so does Jin, in an even more disturbing way.
Hisoka ends up being a stand-in for my weird and overwhelming love of the natural world. Like me, he dislikes people in general, but at the same time he thinks they're funny, and fun to watch. He's loyal to the people he does like, though, and a lot of the time it's out of genuine affection and not give-and-take. He is in almost sexual love with his world, though: sunrise, rain, moonlight, mist, forest and mountains; these things turn him all kinds of on. It's like I took my love of the outdoors and ran with it to a point that might be obscene if he wasn't so weirdly pure about it. Also, he ended up being an extension, almost a fantasy of my violent temper. I, of course, can't go around breaking the necks of people who threaten things that I love, but Hisoka is free to do this, and he's free to enjoy it, too. When not watching the sky, running the town, teasing people or killing them, he's also overwhelmingly sexual. He's probably the most oversexed character I've ever written.
I've come to terms with the fact that Hisoka is sort of my id let loose on paper (or WordPad, I guess.)
The realization that Jin has so much of me, though, did sort of sneak up on me. It kind of hit me last night as I was coloring that lame sketch. One of Jin's main motivations is worry. I never really explored that in him before, though I knew it was there. (That's because I'm a hack who just likes to get to the good parts, and to hell with things like motivation and development. ;D ) Jin's first reaction to threatening situations is frenetic worry; he's got to be doing something, because doing nothing leads to disaster, and there's nothing worse than preventable disaster. In that secret, hidden away cut scene that I wrote in Kona that time, I wrote the line "Jin thought he could fix everything with food, warmth and worry." He worries, not out of obligation as much as out of the belief that if he didn't worry, things would go even worse just to teach him a lesson. He gets up and does something, even if all he can do is make tea. If the solution to the threatening problem is to kill a bunch of people, then Jin is happy, because Jin has something to accomplish, something that has results that he can see: the threat is out of the way, the threatening people are now dripping from the ceiling, and he has made everything all right. If Jin has to die, then it will be this neurosis that kills him.
I obviously don't go around killing people out of neurotic worry, nor would like to. Writing, at least to me, is taking these dark and ugly things and magnifying them for effect. I don't have any desire to go around killing people out of anger or neurosis, but it makes for interesting, if disturbing, characters. To me, anyway. Highly unlikely that anyone else cares, but it is kind of cathartic. I can rip up a fictional world.
Still, the fact that I realized I had MarySued myself into not one violent man, but his even more violent brother, as well, was kind of a revelation.
Still, I guess it really is more of a self insert than a MarySue. Or maybe not even self insert but id-insert. Still. Weird.
House is on in a few minutes. Idol is on now. Is it just me, or is Anwar just so appealing? His eyes are so clear and he has beautiful skin. What a smile. I want Anwar to win.
So when those of you who actually read posts on your f-list find me writing day after day about a book, movie, show, thought, drawing, or my own silly novel type thing, it's not to get people talking and wondering, it's just so that next year I can look up the date and say, "ah, that's where I was mentally last year at this time."
And lately I've been doing a lot of writing, thinking about writing, and characters, so that's what's on my mind. I'm not looking for a fanbase or glory. I'm not addressing anyone specific unless I mention a specific name. And if it annoys you, de-friend me. I'm about to ramble again.
So, I worry, and we've established that. Worry is what I do. There are a few things that take the edge off this particular neurosis and they are as follows: Hula (although sometimes Hula related issues bring some annoyances, the actual dance--and we're talking real Hula here, not "Rockahula" or whatever the hell--helps me a lot.) Lately, Kung Fu (it's hard to be concentrating on forms and roundhouse kicks and worrying about things at home at the same time.) And, of course, writing.
Writing doesn't exactly help me not worry, but it does sort of force me to work through it. I occasionally find myself using my characters as a stand-in, or even a diary, and although I try to go back and change sections like that, some things just stick. The things that do stick make me worried about myself.
I've mentioned before, half jokingly, that the character Hisoka is probably the biggest MarySue I'd ever write; he is, in so many ways, a stand in for myself. But that he is the only MarySue I'm writing is just sadly not true. The more I think about it, the more I realize that what most writers say is true: the writer is in all of his or her characters. I used to joke about this, too. The Queen has my work ethic and my age issues. The later generation doctor has my insecurities, especially with men. The hero has my impatience and snobbishness. The Seer has my pessimism. Odd that I give the mostly good characters my flaws instead of my attributes, I think. Maybe not MarySues as much as self inserts.
Hisoka, for anyone who A) cares and B) doesn't know dick about these stories, is a sort of underworld lord who, while he tries to maintain order in a chaotic world, blithely kills anyone who gets in his way. His younger half brother, Jin, is a neurotic mess, but otherwise a good soldier, and an accomplished murderer. I do admit to loving these brothers more than I should, and I realized lately that, not only does Hisoka serve as a stand-in for me, but so does Jin, in an even more disturbing way.
Hisoka ends up being a stand-in for my weird and overwhelming love of the natural world. Like me, he dislikes people in general, but at the same time he thinks they're funny, and fun to watch. He's loyal to the people he does like, though, and a lot of the time it's out of genuine affection and not give-and-take. He is in almost sexual love with his world, though: sunrise, rain, moonlight, mist, forest and mountains; these things turn him all kinds of on. It's like I took my love of the outdoors and ran with it to a point that might be obscene if he wasn't so weirdly pure about it. Also, he ended up being an extension, almost a fantasy of my violent temper. I, of course, can't go around breaking the necks of people who threaten things that I love, but Hisoka is free to do this, and he's free to enjoy it, too. When not watching the sky, running the town, teasing people or killing them, he's also overwhelmingly sexual. He's probably the most oversexed character I've ever written.
I've come to terms with the fact that Hisoka is sort of my id let loose on paper (or WordPad, I guess.)
The realization that Jin has so much of me, though, did sort of sneak up on me. It kind of hit me last night as I was coloring that lame sketch. One of Jin's main motivations is worry. I never really explored that in him before, though I knew it was there. (That's because I'm a hack who just likes to get to the good parts, and to hell with things like motivation and development. ;D ) Jin's first reaction to threatening situations is frenetic worry; he's got to be doing something, because doing nothing leads to disaster, and there's nothing worse than preventable disaster. In that secret, hidden away cut scene that I wrote in Kona that time, I wrote the line "Jin thought he could fix everything with food, warmth and worry." He worries, not out of obligation as much as out of the belief that if he didn't worry, things would go even worse just to teach him a lesson. He gets up and does something, even if all he can do is make tea. If the solution to the threatening problem is to kill a bunch of people, then Jin is happy, because Jin has something to accomplish, something that has results that he can see: the threat is out of the way, the threatening people are now dripping from the ceiling, and he has made everything all right. If Jin has to die, then it will be this neurosis that kills him.
I obviously don't go around killing people out of neurotic worry, nor would like to. Writing, at least to me, is taking these dark and ugly things and magnifying them for effect. I don't have any desire to go around killing people out of anger or neurosis, but it makes for interesting, if disturbing, characters. To me, anyway. Highly unlikely that anyone else cares, but it is kind of cathartic. I can rip up a fictional world.
Still, the fact that I realized I had MarySued myself into not one violent man, but his even more violent brother, as well, was kind of a revelation.
Still, I guess it really is more of a self insert than a MarySue. Or maybe not even self insert but id-insert. Still. Weird.
House is on in a few minutes. Idol is on now. Is it just me, or is Anwar just so appealing? His eyes are so clear and he has beautiful skin. What a smile. I want Anwar to win.
