la_belle_laide | "There's real poetry in the real world."

So, I have a handful of friends (two, really,) with whom I can discuss all manner of heavy subjects, like death, what comes after, quantum, reality, philosophy and things like that. Among these friends, they each have the philosophy that death is probably kind of nice. And they both have told me that they kind of think it would be cool, to just end after death, and not go on. That life is a difficult trial.

"Half in love with easeful death " - Keats, I think that was, IIRC, and I probably do.

I don't judge that at all. People feel the way they do, and although I wish that I could force people to see what I see sometimes, I absolutely realize that's BS. I wouldn't change the people I like / love / whatever. It's why I love them.

But, me, I'm the opposite. I was talking with my Mom about this the other morning (and the two different friends, on two different occasions.) I ended up saying this whole thing three times.

I can't stand the idea of nothingness. If I could have some real proof that there was consciousness after life, then I'd be infinitely relieved. I kind of do believe that there is some kind of consciousness that goes on, because it seems a bit pointless without it. I'm not talking about heaven or junk like that, because I'm the least religious person you'll ever meet, probably. But, just some kind of being. If there isn't, I am going to be one pissed off corpse. I want the answers at the end; I want to look at all the eleven or twelve dimensions (I can never remember how many) and see what they're like. I want to get all this quantum stuff that I don't get now. Otherwise it would be like a really unsatisfying movie, where at the end you're like, "WHAT! That didn't even make sense! I want my money back." I know it's all cool to be like, "Well it's the journey, not the destination" and such, but it can't be just the journey.

But I digress. My original point was that, to me, the journey isn't about suffering, and waiting for it to be over.

Why would anyone wish to leave here? I respect people's feelings on this, and I really respect their rights to up and quit if they want to. I absolutely believe that if someone really doesn't wish to be alive, then they should be allowed to leave. Of course I would never allow anyone to leave me, because I'm hung up like that, and I would of course do everything in my power, even filthy tricks like guilt, to force people to hang around. I'm not even kidding. But deep down I believe that if it's really that painful, a person should be allowed to leave.

But, me, I love it here. I find myself saying this a lot. "This world is pleasant - it would be dreary to be called from it..." (Jane Eyre, that one was.) What's not to like about being alive?* There's delicious food to eat, good songs to listen to, entertaining books and movies, hilarity to laugh at, good conversations. You can swim in the ocean, the air smells nice, colors are pretty, there are hot people to look at. Sword forms to learn and re-learn, jogging, stretching, eating chocolate, taking a hot shower, sitting in front of the computer screen for hours looking at amusing things. There are so many interesting things to learn, and cool thoughts to ponder.

Of course I get depressed sometimes, too. It's been a really sucky two years and there are times when I'm just bawling my eyes out. Losing Gram, and then losing Dad, and some really ugly family upheavals after that – ones I can't get into here and never will. Being overwhelmed by bills and the daunting future, being afraid to lose my home. I mean, there are some really dark times and of course it gets to me sometimes. But usually, even in times like that, a bowl of ice cream and a movie will sort me out for a while. I'm a really, really simple creature. One minute I can be thoroughly overwhelmed, and the next I'm like, "Ooh, slipper socks."

And on the days when it gets really bad, a night at Kung Fu usually clears it all up.

This goes for people who have to make up fantasy worlds to satisfy themselves, too. You know the ones, where reality isn't enough for them and they have to believe that they're fairies, otherkins, elves, or special in some way. I feel sort of the same way about religion. Reality is interesting enough as it is without it. "There's real poetry in the real world," Richard Dawkins said, and I agree with him on many points. It's just that, for me, I hope that I could continue to perceive "reality" infinitely, even from a different perspective.

* Earlier I said "what's not to like about being alive," and I realize that this comes from a highly, highly privileged point of view. There are too many people without delicious food, or any food at all, and who don't get all of these human comforts that please me so endlessly. I also realize that chemically, I don't suffer from depression, and that for people who do suffer from it, this is beyond their physical control. So, I'm really just saying what works for me. Everyone is different, but I am a very simple person.

I really just like it here a lot, with all the senses and interesting things to think about and to experience. Bodies are fun to be in, this whole big outcropping of the brain, and the things we get to do with it.

It had better effing go on afterward, or I'm going to be pissed.