pregnant women are totally not smug

NOPE.

At least not any more smug than any other smug person, male or female, pregnant or not, with ten kids or pleasantly child-free. Some people are smug sometimes. Why single out pregnant women?

Because I’ll tell you, there is literally no room for smugness in pregnancy, at least not mine.

First of all, your entire body isn’t even yours anymore. The last 6.5 months have been the most disciplined and terrifying months ever.

Autonomy! You* can’t eat what you want anymore. Even if you want to take the chance and eat the “wrong” thing, your appetites change. You try as hard as you can to gulp down the healthy foods, the stuff that’s supposed to make your baby a healthy, magical, supreme genius, and it turns out those are the things that make you want to spew the most. Do you know how hard it is to be smug with your head in the toilet, just thankful that no one can see your miserable self? Then, you want to work out because all the web pages tell you to stay active, but you can’t get off the sofa because you’re either falling asleep, or gagging. And every day for the first twelve weeks, you keep thinking, “What if I lose the pregnancy?”

12 weeks come and go and, if you’re one of the lucky ones, you’re still pregnant. And then your ligaments start to ache and pinch like a bitch. You stand up from your chair and feel like someone’s punched you in the ovary. (It’s not the ovaries though, it’s the round ligaments.) And forget about once you tell everyone. No one will ever look at you more—or more critically—then when they find out you’re pregnant. Are you too fat now? Too thin? You don’t look pregnant enough? You look like you swallowed a planet? Me, I didn’t even start to show until about 3 weeks ago. Here are some super invasive things I had people actually tell me:
“Where are your boobs? Weren’t they supposed to grow?”
“Maybe you’re not eating enough for the baby.”
“I think your baby is going to be extremely small.”
And then, when it finally became a little bit apparent: “You’re losing your figure!”



I decided to find out the gender at 10 weeks. I had the MaterniT21 test, b/c it was mostly covered, and totally safe—just a quick blood test—and because I’m 40 and I wanted to be able to make any difficult decisions early on. MaterniT21 tells you if there are any obvious chromosome disorders present, such as Down’s, Patau Syndrome, and Edward’s syndrome. It also tells you the sex of the baby, yes, that early! And I found out mine is a boy. Cool. I can start thinking about names.

But of course, now I keep hearing all about what I should or shouldn’t buy for him, how to dress him, what color to paint his room (it’s already blue, drat it all; I’d’ve made it amber or something,) and, in my case, because I’m single, tons of “suggestions” about how to get more of a “male influence” around him.

Oh, also? All that stuff you need to do for a baby’s room, like spackling, painting, all that fun stuff? Yeah, you can’t do that, either!

Third trimester comes along and you can’t fit any food in there, even though you know you should. You start stocking up on fiber, hoping to accumulate enough to get you through the day, which doesn’t leave any room for the stuff you’re supposed to have, like those dark leafy greens and such.

Vitamins are gross, heartburn comes at the most unexpected time, you can’t breathe going up the damn stairs, your back starts to hurt, and you’re just pretty much useless to yourself and anyone else.

Wow, how smug am I? SO SMUG.

Then, of course, aside from the fact that everyone has an opinion and a judgment, you’re always questioning yourself, too. How will I screw this kid up? What if I drop him? What if I hurt him? Worst of all, what if he gets sick and there's nothing I can do?

What issues am I going to give him? Will he hate me? What if he wants to run away? What if he gets into drugs, or is a bully? Worst of all, how can you know you’re not carrying the next Adam Lanza in there? This is a legitimate fear. (At least for me.) What if the baby comes out and it’s a total little bastard, or straight up a bad person? I know that most of this is totally in my control, but not all of it. Sometimes, parents really try, and do their absolute best, and they still screw up. Sometimes there really is nothing you can do.

I got a lot of flak last time I called out  that “Pregnant Women Are Smug” song. “It’s just a joke!” “Lighten up!” “You just don’t get it!” I had one Blogger send me an ask that was just full of hate and misogyny because I disagreed with this sillyass song.

I know it’s just a joke; I get that. But isn’t that the same thing that everyone says when they make an attack on women? ANY woman. Whether she’s pregnant, or married, or unmarried, or if she has sex or doesn’t have sex, or if she’s too fat or too skinny, or a slut, or a prude, or gay, or bi, or a mother, or child-free? Isn’t that the same thing everyone says after those “kitchen/sandwich” jokes? “Lighten up, it’s just a joke!”

Sure it is. Most attacks on women are “just jokes.” I’m just really damn tired of them. Especially when they’re this wide of the mark.


ETA: Allow me to follow this up by saying that I fully realize how dang lucky I am, first of all that I was able to get pregnant when I wanted to, and also because I know tons of women have it a thousand times worse. Really. It’s gross and scary and uncomfortable, but for me, it’s doable and I know a lot of women don’t have the luxury.

And I also know a lot of women who breeze through a pregnancy like it’s nothing at all. No sickness, only a little discomfort. They love every second of it. Are they smug? Hey, maybe so. Also, maybe you’re confusing “smug” with “happy.” And we know that we can’t have happy, proud women, now can we? Then those bitches are just “smug” aren’t they?


*You is the general “you.” Everyone’s experience is different.

note to self re: novel submission

Note to self:

March 14 will be the 8 week mark since sending out my novel to the agent who asked for it after 3 chapters. She wanted an 8 week exclusive. (I've since read some notes from other agents saying that exclusives are the worst and we shouldn't grant them, but she was really interested and I got really excited. :D )

If I don't hear back from her by March 14th, then it's time to start querying again.

It does seem like each time I query, I get a little closer; a better reply. So, even if this agent decides to pass, then perhaps that "yes" is right around the corner.

And I have to keep reminding myself: The query letter works. The summary works. And apparently, the first three chapters work, too. Agenting is highly subjective, but some agents have liked the novel—or at least my writing in general--even if they ultimately decided not to offer representation. That's a pretty big deal, right?

So, March 14th, and then I'll stop holding my breath and sweating when I open my mail.