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Best and worst holiday songs: My list
Dec. 24th, 2012 03:05 pmIt’s that time. You know, when you go into the store and you’re blasted with holiday songs on a constant loop until you’re sick of them and you want to punch music in the face?
I actually dig holiday music. Some, anyway. Though there are those that make me think their writers/creators should have been kneecapped before they got the chance to record them.
WORST HOLIDAY SONGS:
The Christmas Shoes - Be honest, you don’t know of a single more cloying, manipulative, and flat-out bad song ever recorded for the holidays. This guy is so damn proud of himself for buying some kid’s dying Mom a pair of hooker shoes so she can go meet Jesus, he just can’t get over how awesome he is. Although honestly, sometimes I’ll listen to it for a laugh.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer - This song wasn’t even funny when it came out, when, in the 80s? It was a gimmick then, and now it’s a dated gimmick. There is nothing hilarious, or cute, or clever about it. It’s just pointless.
Baby It’s Cold Outside - Maybe not a holiday song exactly, but you do hear it stuffed in there with the other holiday songs. How disturbing is the story here? Does he actually slip something into her drink? Jesus!
The Holiday Season - I’m sorry, I just can’t get past the “coming down the chimney down” part. Why does he have to say “down” twice?
Do They Know It’s Chrismas? - WTF do you care? Not everyone celebrates the same holiday as you! This is such a patronizing, colonialistic, White Savior piece of junk.
Blue Christmas - I know, it’s a classic, and a really pretty song. But try listening to this one after you lose someone. Just try.
Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart - Just because it WON’T GO AWAY.
But, there are really awesome holiday songs that I really enjoy, too. These are the ones I can’t wait to hear this year:
O Holy Night - Man, I’m about the least Christian person ever, but I have to hand it to them: they have beautiful music. This is one of the most gorgeous melodies ever written. I even tear up over the penis version.
Happy Christmas / War Is Over - Okay, so the John Lennon version has lyrics that are, say, a little dated. Like, you probably wouldn’t record them today. It’s still a beautiful song and it gives me the all-overs, especially when the kids start singing. And especially if you want a war to be over. For a version with somewhat, err, updated lyrics, see the one by The Used and Street Drum Corps. Anything with this kind of drums is orgasmic to begin with, and no matter your feelings about Bert McCracken and how me might or might not smell, he’s got a beautiful voice.
Snoopy And The Red Baron (Or: Snoopy’s Christmas) - Man, shut up. This is the best song.
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - This one gets me all emo, too. “Through the years, we all will be together, if the fates allow…” Well, sometimes the fates don’t allow that. But you know, like Hesher said, you still have one nut left, right?
Little Drummer Boy - Any version of this song is good. I don’t even care that there was never any drummer boy or any oxes or cows or whatever, this is just a gorgeous song. Especially by the Harry Simeon choir, or the one with David Bowie and Bing Crosby. Do you know that there is a Hula to this song? And it’s beautiful!
Carol Of The Bells - The build up, the melody, everything! And nothing’s as good as the version by Trans Siberian Orchestra and Savatage, AMIRITE? (No, it’s not Metallica. STOP.)
Well, that’s my list of worst and best.
I actually dig holiday music. Some, anyway. Though there are those that make me think their writers/creators should have been kneecapped before they got the chance to record them.
WORST HOLIDAY SONGS:
The Christmas Shoes - Be honest, you don’t know of a single more cloying, manipulative, and flat-out bad song ever recorded for the holidays. This guy is so damn proud of himself for buying some kid’s dying Mom a pair of hooker shoes so she can go meet Jesus, he just can’t get over how awesome he is. Although honestly, sometimes I’ll listen to it for a laugh.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer - This song wasn’t even funny when it came out, when, in the 80s? It was a gimmick then, and now it’s a dated gimmick. There is nothing hilarious, or cute, or clever about it. It’s just pointless.
Baby It’s Cold Outside - Maybe not a holiday song exactly, but you do hear it stuffed in there with the other holiday songs. How disturbing is the story here? Does he actually slip something into her drink? Jesus!
The Holiday Season - I’m sorry, I just can’t get past the “coming down the chimney down” part. Why does he have to say “down” twice?
Do They Know It’s Chrismas? - WTF do you care? Not everyone celebrates the same holiday as you! This is such a patronizing, colonialistic, White Savior piece of junk.
Blue Christmas - I know, it’s a classic, and a really pretty song. But try listening to this one after you lose someone. Just try.
Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart - Just because it WON’T GO AWAY.
But, there are really awesome holiday songs that I really enjoy, too. These are the ones I can’t wait to hear this year:
O Holy Night - Man, I’m about the least Christian person ever, but I have to hand it to them: they have beautiful music. This is one of the most gorgeous melodies ever written. I even tear up over the penis version.
Happy Christmas / War Is Over - Okay, so the John Lennon version has lyrics that are, say, a little dated. Like, you probably wouldn’t record them today. It’s still a beautiful song and it gives me the all-overs, especially when the kids start singing. And especially if you want a war to be over. For a version with somewhat, err, updated lyrics, see the one by The Used and Street Drum Corps. Anything with this kind of drums is orgasmic to begin with, and no matter your feelings about Bert McCracken and how me might or might not smell, he’s got a beautiful voice.
Snoopy And The Red Baron (Or: Snoopy’s Christmas) - Man, shut up. This is the best song.
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - This one gets me all emo, too. “Through the years, we all will be together, if the fates allow…” Well, sometimes the fates don’t allow that. But you know, like Hesher said, you still have one nut left, right?
Little Drummer Boy - Any version of this song is good. I don’t even care that there was never any drummer boy or any oxes or cows or whatever, this is just a gorgeous song. Especially by the Harry Simeon choir, or the one with David Bowie and Bing Crosby. Do you know that there is a Hula to this song? And it’s beautiful!
Carol Of The Bells - The build up, the melody, everything! And nothing’s as good as the version by Trans Siberian Orchestra and Savatage, AMIRITE? (No, it’s not Metallica. STOP.)
Well, that’s my list of worst and best.
