day one

Our flight was delayed for about two hours. However, the Boychild was such a good boy on the plane and all day. He ran around the airport charming everyone he saw, he liked the take off, and then he slept for the whole flight. We didn't visit any theme parks today but looked around in shops and had dinner at a restaurant with Cinderella and the ugly stepsisters. The child is on such sensory overload. He's been giggling all day.

The only thing really wack was that, it's a buffet and you go up for your own food and all, and I had sort of noticed that Gran was taking a really long time. Well, she ended up going to the wrong table way the hell across the room. She had all her food there, the waitress had brought her a drink and everything. she just forgot where o go and I don't know, thought that she had gone alone or something? Because it was a table for two. It weirded me out a little.

I miss Jo-chan and SB and my aunt and uncle.

I keep having to remind myself that things have changed for the better recently. I'm out of a dead end job and am going back to school to study medicine. Somehow that ties in with being here for some reason, like a break in the pattern, you know?

Oh well. I will hang on to that.

A quick scan of today reveals:

1) The death of a member of one of my all time favorite bands. GUys, that REALLY blows. It was harder for me to lose Syd Barret but Wright was also such a huge part of Pink Floyd, and I dote on Pink Floyd.

(David Gilmour keeps my soul in a jar.)

2) Ray Toro and James on stage doing all kinda things! Guys, Ray is the bomb, diggity.

Well, it is hot as fried ass down here although my room is so cold my nips are gonna hit the screen.

day one

Our flight was delayed for about two hours. However, the Boychild was such a good boy on the plane and all day. He ran around the airport charming everyone he saw, he liked the take off, and then he slept for the whole flight. We didn't visit any theme parks today but looked around in shops and had dinner at a restaurant with Cinderella and the ugly stepsisters. The child is on such sensory overload. He's been giggling all day.

The only thing really wack was that, it's a buffet and you go up for your own food and all, and I had sort of noticed that Gran was taking a really long time. Well, she ended up going to the wrong table way the hell across the room. She had all her food there, the waitress had brought her a drink and everything. she just forgot where o go and I don't know, thought that she had gone alone or something? Because it was a table for two. It weirded me out a little.

I miss Jo-chan and SB and my aunt and uncle.

I keep having to remind myself that things have changed for the better recently. I'm out of a dead end job and am going back to school to study medicine. Somehow that ties in with being here for some reason, like a break in the pattern, you know?

Oh well. I will hang on to that.

A quick scan of today reveals:

1) The death of a member of one of my all time favorite bands. GUys, that REALLY blows. It was harder for me to lose Syd Barret but Wright was also such a huge part of Pink Floyd, and I dote on Pink Floyd.

(David Gilmour keeps my soul in a jar.)

2) Ray Toro and James on stage doing all kinda things! Guys, Ray is the bomb, diggity.

Well, it is hot as fried ass down here although my room is so cold my nips are gonna hit the screen.

Disney makes me deep

Note to self: after writing this entry, go here to see tonight's House.

Today, the first stop after breakfast was to go see Auntie Kau'i. She thought the Boychild was beautiful, she had her awesome long hair down, and she asked me to dance in the show tomorrow. I have no idea what to dance and I forgot everything I learned in her one-day seminar in July, so no pressure! I love her. She is an angel.

Then we got our rooms here at the Contemporary and it is so different than the last time I was here, which I think was right after college. And yet the view and the vibe and the smell are I mean, you already effing PAID to get in, but if you want to stay in, you have to pay again. I was mad though 'cause it looked like it was going to be cool. Everyone was in costume. If I'd known, I would have busted out Sally and definitely gone. I never like to miss a Halloween party, and especially if there are costumes involved.

But before we left, everyone else was still in the restaurant and the Boychild aws going, "UP! UP!" so i took him out of his seat and we went outside to look at the ducks and the castle. he utterly shocked me by pointing to the castle and saying, "Cackle!" That's what SB used to call it and it put me back about 17 years.

17 years is a hell of a long time, isn't it? And for some reason, everytime I come here I'm rethinking my life, seeing what has changed and what hasn't.

Liek I said last night, I am out of a dead-end, soul-sucking, toxic job that I was tolerating whle pretending to love because, well, my default is to be cheerful and i tend to make the best of things, even when change would be better. I am going back to school to studay medicine, and that has been a dream of mine since probably around high school when I fell in love with biology.

There were so many roads I wanted to take back then, and I took none of them. There were some that I thought I wanted to take, but which I realize now would have been just as wrong for me as the wrong job was. Growing up, I thought I wanted my black-picket-fence version of The American Dream; a kind of Addams Family. I guess that would have been ideal, ut is ridiculously unlikely and perforce, I had to let that one go. Gomez is just Not Out There. What I could have done is settle for something in between--which is what I did with my stupid ex job--and I'm so glad I didn't.

Which leads me to why I settled so long for that stupid job. It hit me all at once today. I thought it had meaning. I thought I was helping. See, now most people, or at least many people, really need to be loved. A lot of folks need to be validated. They have to be popular, well-liked, and find a mate (in some cases just to prove that they can; the "I GOT ONE!" thing.) I see people who are desparate for the approval of others.That works for them and that's fine. (HOwever you have to draw the line when they are so desparate for the approval of others that they purposely try to smear other people. Anyway.)

I've always said this, but today it really hit home; it was like the skies opened up and spilled this knowledge on me.

That is NOT my motivation. And, holy crap! It never has been! I have never kowtowed for someone's approval, have never wheedled or begged or been obsequious. The only approval I want is of those I really truly value. You get me or you don't. And if you don't, and you don't like me, then there's nothing I can do to change that and I am not going to pretend for niceties' sake that I care. I cease to acknowledge those people. And to some, that seems rude or snobbish but to me, why would I waste my thoughts and words and time on someone who already has their mind made up?

I'll never start crap with others, ut I will finish it, and I finish it with ice around the edges. Once someone has pushed enoughof my buttons, I say what I have to say, and I have never had any trouble saying to someone's face anything I would say behind their back. Did that make sense?

Like my Dad wrote in his song: "I don't look for trouble, but I never ran."

My motivation has never been acceptance. For years I maintained that if I couldn't do some good to the world, then there was no sense in doing anything. While others strove to be loved and accepted, I strove to be useful, and I convinced myself for years that my service to animals at a crappy animal hospital was what I needed to be doing. (And maybe at the time it aws?) And to combat my issues with my looks, I always said, "I wasn't put on this planet to decorate it." Which in turn made me question: Why was I put on this planet? Which is not to say that I feel some entity specifically put me here; but it's nice to think that in the grand overview, I have a purpose.

"To serve" was always at the heart of it, but I dolled it up with, "to inspire, to entertain, to educate." i was thinking of writing and dancing, and spreading the Hawaiian culture.

But now, at this time of times, it all comes down: No, I really do need to serve. I need more meaning. And I think that even with the happy side-effects of indulging in my curiosity and my love for human biology, the main reason I am going to study the exact kind of medicine I am going to study, is because I can finally be of use. I can really serve. I can get my hands dirty. This is what's been waiting for me.

In the back of my mind I feel like I can save everyone, too. I won't deny that a part of me feels like this is some kind of safety net: that if I study alternative medicine, nothing bad will ever happen to anyone in my life ever again. Or that if fates-forbid it does, I can fix it. I know that's unrealistic, but I can't deny that it's there.

So I have this happy revelation--as if I needed another--that I am finally going down the correct road, yet half-buried under the sea like a rotting ship still full of treasures is that black-picket-fence dream. Walking around with the Boychild I'm thinking, "I need to do this, too. I need to have my own kid; I need to put a good person on the planet and pass on my values. I need to take someone on Dumbo and watch my grandparents play with their grand-child." No Gomez Addams--oh well--but a Wednesday or a Pugsley.

It's not the American Dream, but the American Dream is not for me. Those are not the values I want to pass on; little yellow ribbon magnets, stick-on american flags and singing God Bless America at Disneyworld. I believe in neither god nor america.

But the clock is ticking and it's ticking against my equally intense urge to be free to follow this other road, and still travel, and still get in that one last romantic fling. I know a person can accomplish all of these things, but it sure does compromise you.

Those are my super deep thoughts for tonight, and tomorrow we are going to Epcot and I'm going to buy some earrings and maybe soem Hello Kitty pajamas or an anime figure.

Disney makes me deep

Note to self: after writing this entry, go here to see tonight's House.

Today, the first stop after breakfast was to go see Auntie Kau'i. She thought the Boychild was beautiful, she had her awesome long hair down, and she asked me to dance in the show tomorrow. I have no idea what to dance and I forgot everything I learned in her one-day seminar in July, so no pressure! I love her. She is an angel.

Then we got our rooms here at the Contemporary and it is so different than the last time I was here, which I think was right after college. And yet the view and the vibe and the smell are I mean, you already effing PAID to get in, but if you want to stay in, you have to pay again. I was mad though 'cause it looked like it was going to be cool. Everyone was in costume. If I'd known, I would have busted out Sally and definitely gone. I never like to miss a Halloween party, and especially if there are costumes involved.

But before we left, everyone else was still in the restaurant and the Boychild aws going, "UP! UP!" so i took him out of his seat and we went outside to look at the ducks and the castle. he utterly shocked me by pointing to the castle and saying, "Cackle!" That's what SB used to call it and it put me back about 17 years.

17 years is a hell of a long time, isn't it? And for some reason, everytime I come here I'm rethinking my life, seeing what has changed and what hasn't.

Liek I said last night, I am out of a dead-end, soul-sucking, toxic job that I was tolerating whle pretending to love because, well, my default is to be cheerful and i tend to make the best of things, even when change would be better. I am going back to school to studay medicine, and that has been a dream of mine since probably around high school when I fell in love with biology.

There were so many roads I wanted to take back then, and I took none of them. There were some that I thought I wanted to take, but which I realize now would have been just as wrong for me as the wrong job was. Growing up, I thought I wanted my black-picket-fence version of The American Dream; a kind of Addams Family. I guess that would have been ideal, ut is ridiculously unlikely and perforce, I had to let that one go. Gomez is just Not Out There. What I could have done is settle for something in between--which is what I did with my stupid ex job--and I'm so glad I didn't.

Which leads me to why I settled so long for that stupid job. It hit me all at once today. I thought it had meaning. I thought I was helping. See, now most people, or at least many people, really need to be loved. A lot of folks need to be validated. They have to be popular, well-liked, and find a mate (in some cases just to prove that they can; the "I GOT ONE!" thing.) I see people who are desparate for the approval of others.That works for them and that's fine. (HOwever you have to draw the line when they are so desparate for the approval of others that they purposely try to smear other people. Anyway.)

I've always said this, but today it really hit home; it was like the skies opened up and spilled this knowledge on me.

That is NOT my motivation. And, holy crap! It never has been! I have never kowtowed for someone's approval, have never wheedled or begged or been obsequious. The only approval I want is of those I really truly value. You get me or you don't. And if you don't, and you don't like me, then there's nothing I can do to change that and I am not going to pretend for niceties' sake that I care. I cease to acknowledge those people. And to some, that seems rude or snobbish but to me, why would I waste my thoughts and words and time on someone who already has their mind made up?

I'll never start crap with others, ut I will finish it, and I finish it with ice around the edges. Once someone has pushed enoughof my buttons, I say what I have to say, and I have never had any trouble saying to someone's face anything I would say behind their back. Did that make sense?

Like my Dad wrote in his song: "I don't look for trouble, but I never ran."

My motivation has never been acceptance. For years I maintained that if I couldn't do some good to the world, then there was no sense in doing anything. While others strove to be loved and accepted, I strove to be useful, and I convinced myself for years that my service to animals at a crappy animal hospital was what I needed to be doing. (And maybe at the time it aws?) And to combat my issues with my looks, I always said, "I wasn't put on this planet to decorate it." Which in turn made me question: Why was I put on this planet? Which is not to say that I feel some entity specifically put me here; but it's nice to think that in the grand overview, I have a purpose.

"To serve" was always at the heart of it, but I dolled it up with, "to inspire, to entertain, to educate." i was thinking of writing and dancing, and spreading the Hawaiian culture.

But now, at this time of times, it all comes down: No, I really do need to serve. I need more meaning. And I think that even with the happy side-effects of indulging in my curiosity and my love for human biology, the main reason I am going to study the exact kind of medicine I am going to study, is because I can finally be of use. I can really serve. I can get my hands dirty. This is what's been waiting for me.

In the back of my mind I feel like I can save everyone, too. I won't deny that a part of me feels like this is some kind of safety net: that if I study alternative medicine, nothing bad will ever happen to anyone in my life ever again. Or that if fates-forbid it does, I can fix it. I know that's unrealistic, but I can't deny that it's there.

So I have this happy revelation--as if I needed another--that I am finally going down the correct road, yet half-buried under the sea like a rotting ship still full of treasures is that black-picket-fence dream. Walking around with the Boychild I'm thinking, "I need to do this, too. I need to have my own kid; I need to put a good person on the planet and pass on my values. I need to take someone on Dumbo and watch my grandparents play with their grand-child." No Gomez Addams--oh well--but a Wednesday or a Pugsley.

It's not the American Dream, but the American Dream is not for me. Those are not the values I want to pass on; little yellow ribbon magnets, stick-on american flags and singing God Bless America at Disneyworld. I believe in neither god nor america.

But the clock is ticking and it's ticking against my equally intense urge to be free to follow this other road, and still travel, and still get in that one last romantic fling. I know a person can accomplish all of these things, but it sure does compromise you.

Those are my super deep thoughts for tonight, and tomorrow we are going to Epcot and I'm going to buy some earrings and maybe soem Hello Kitty pajamas or an anime figure.