I miss journaling
Dec. 18th, 2017 09:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
la_belle_laideI miss it even though I have nothing good to report at the end of 2017. I was watching this achingly good version of O Holy Night by Willie K and Makaha Sons, so beautiful, and I just started to think about uncle John.
So. Sano died a few days ago. I had him for 14 and a half years. I was journaling daily when I adopted him, and I wrote down the whole thing. It seems like yesterday, sorry for the cliche. He was 16 and a half, and he died in his bed overnight after a few hours of vestibular (which is typically not a big deal. He's had it before and it's not dangerous, so...?) But 16 and a half, in his sleep - I guess it doesn't get a lot better than that.
And Haku has been gone for 7 months. I wasn't even done crying about him every day. He was young, and it was sudden. Like, seconds.
I guess I'm depressed because if I went back and told the me that started journaling on LJ all those years ago that my Gran and Dad would die within 3 months of each other, and uncle John the next year, and a big chunk of what I'd considered a decent family would split up, and then? In 2016 Lao Shir would die (also pretty suddenly,) on the day that Haku was diagnosed with the cancer that would NOT end up killing him but would cost me yet another $10K, and that Sano would follow him soon. And David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Leonard Cohen, Carrie Fisher, Chris Cornell?? WTF??? would all be gone? And I'm in total poverty and can't afford, never mind Kung Fu, but like, even new clothes half the time? And the book I worked so hard on won't even sell!
Well actually, if you told me that, but also told me "however if you change even one terrible thing, you wouldn't have your son," then obviously I would do every second the exact same way.
But still. I mean, it's bullshit. It's a lot, right? Maybe I'm just all scraped up over Sano--it hasn't even been a week yet--but I keep thinking back to those years when everyone was alive, and people were still together, and my dogs were young and I was young.
Sometimes it just sucks.
Do have a listen to that song, though.
And here's to 2018 being, of not better, then at least not worse, jesus.
So. Sano died a few days ago. I had him for 14 and a half years. I was journaling daily when I adopted him, and I wrote down the whole thing. It seems like yesterday, sorry for the cliche. He was 16 and a half, and he died in his bed overnight after a few hours of vestibular (which is typically not a big deal. He's had it before and it's not dangerous, so...?) But 16 and a half, in his sleep - I guess it doesn't get a lot better than that.
And Haku has been gone for 7 months. I wasn't even done crying about him every day. He was young, and it was sudden. Like, seconds.
I guess I'm depressed because if I went back and told the me that started journaling on LJ all those years ago that my Gran and Dad would die within 3 months of each other, and uncle John the next year, and a big chunk of what I'd considered a decent family would split up, and then? In 2016 Lao Shir would die (also pretty suddenly,) on the day that Haku was diagnosed with the cancer that would NOT end up killing him but would cost me yet another $10K, and that Sano would follow him soon. And David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Leonard Cohen, Carrie Fisher, Chris Cornell?? WTF??? would all be gone? And I'm in total poverty and can't afford, never mind Kung Fu, but like, even new clothes half the time? And the book I worked so hard on won't even sell!
Well actually, if you told me that, but also told me "however if you change even one terrible thing, you wouldn't have your son," then obviously I would do every second the exact same way.
But still. I mean, it's bullshit. It's a lot, right? Maybe I'm just all scraped up over Sano--it hasn't even been a week yet--but I keep thinking back to those years when everyone was alive, and people were still together, and my dogs were young and I was young.
Sometimes it just sucks.
Do have a listen to that song, though.
And here's to 2018 being, of not better, then at least not worse, jesus.
