la_belle_laide | On writing query letters (Reply)

Use white paper, but not TOO white. You could possibly get away with light grey or buff, but it's not worth trying, because you probably won't! Use only the American Flag stamps. Fold the SASE into THIRDS and put it in behind the letter. Use a business letter format, but make it personal. Do not open with a personal introduction. Open like a business letter, by stating your reason for writing. But avoid that dry approach at all costs! Open with a hook! Just don't be too cloying about it. Describe the plot briefly but vividly. Sum it up in one paragraph. No, two! DO NOT spell the editor's name wrong. Use a fancy font for your header, but don't use a fancy font. A professional header is not necessary, but you will need a professional header. Use Courier New 12 point for the body of the letter, but be sure to use New Times Roman instead. Give a word count. DO NOT give a word count. Mention it if you're writing a series, unless you really shouldn't be mentioning it. Offer to send either the manuscript or some sample chapters ... but whatever you do, don't offer either! Just offer the entire manuscript, after all. Be polite and thank them for their time. But don't ever thank them for their time because that implies that you expect them to give you their time. Include all of your past publications, but if you don't have any, then STFU. Most of all, do it right the first time, because if you try again later, the editor will remember you!

Think I'm exaggerating? Google "query letter tips" and see what comes up. I have not made up or exaggerated a single thing I just wrote up there. Maybe the COOLEST part of this whole thing is that I found three very helpful web pages on this subject and I bookmarked them. But Netscape, being a douche, has suddenly stopped saving my bookmarks as of today and I can't remember which words I Googled to find them. HURRAY.

I swear to god, the next step I'm taking is to write a letter that says "CONSIDER MY NOVEL OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE VAGINA. Sincerely, Hopeless Hack Novelist."