Going on, some babble, and also a dream

[la_belle_laide]

How strange. I've just gotten through my first full day without a grandmother. I never thought of it that way until just now.

It's not like I'm crying constantly but it's the little things that are kind of rough. Like hearing a mockingbird this morning and not hearing Grandma whistle back to it like she always did, things like that. Stupid things like, "this is my first breakfast without having a Grandma." It's so weird and random of me. I'm glad her illness and suffering are over, but I'd give a lot to have her back and not sick, that's for sure. Although I guess that mostly goes without saying.

I've noticed that a lot of lousy, crap-holish people are getting to me more than they usually do, which is weird of me. Usually I just roll my eyes, but today, horrible people make me feel ill.

So, I wanted to write about a crazy thing that happened yesterday. Okay, first a little backstory. The song "Guardian Angels" by Mario Lanza is actually one of my Mom's favorite songs. As for me, I always hated it. I always thought it was about someone sick and dying, and it depressed me beyond measure. My Gran also loved the song, and even though it was my Mom who favors it more, I still have always associated it with my Grandma. Maybe because she had this thing for little angel figurines; you know how some elderly people collect those little angel things. I got her a bunch of them. Anyway, hearing that song always made me dread the day that she would be gone. You know, I tend to torment myself with evil fantasies about what the future will bring. (Well, the past now, but still.)

So anyway, when Gran started to get really sick, that song was on my mind so much. When I knew she was dying, I started to hope that once she was gone, maybe I could get a sign or something. Just something to make me wonder a little or make me think. I don't know, I'm weird like that.

Anyway, we all went and had pizza at my parents' house yesterday, and my Dad went to get the pizza. When he came home he said, "You'll never guess what song I heard in the pizza place!" and I already knew which one it was going to be. He actually asked the guy if he was playing a Mario Lanza CD and the guy told him, No, not really, he just had a compilation of all of his favorite music, and Mario Lanza is, in his opinion the best singer ever, and that song just happened to be on.

So! There's my sign, right?

But, of what? I'm so strange. I believe in signs but then I don't believe that they actually portend anything, and they surely don't prove anything, so what's the point? Why keep track? Yet I can't deny it! Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not religious at all and I'm not even madly spiritual, prefering logic and reason over superstition, (yet I am superstitious and I know it's irrational,) but sometimes you just can't deny things. I mean, I asked for it, it happened, and you have to wonder what the chances are. Pretty slim. It made me happy, I just don't have a reason why. I don't actually believe in angels. I want to believe in consciousness after death, and while hearing some non-random song at a non-random time does nothing to prove it, it still made me happy and maybe hopeful, or something.

Well, I wanted to keep track of that.

Then, last night I had one of those "This guy can't handle the situation he's in; let me take over for him and use his looks and my skill at reading people to save him, before giving him control of his body again." I might have mentioned that I have this dream a lot, especially during times that are emotional.

In this dream, there was this guy and he was beautiful beyond description. I couldn't even tell you what he looked like aside from dark hair, but in the dream I just knew that he was. (I think in some way he was Reno from Final Fantasy VII, but different in that way that dreams have of screwing up your perception and stealing fannish things from your every day life to store in your fanpoodle unconscious mind. Anyway.) So he was with his friend, and there was this woman who was chasing him. She was some kind of bounty hunter, and I'm sorry to say that she was dressed in typical "female badass impractical clothing to pander to a male audience." (I really do play too many video games.) She was chasing this man and she had a huge gun and I realized, Holy crap, he is nowhere near together enough to get away from her. I'd better step the hell in before he gets his pretty ass killed.

So I jump into him and I realize, oh my gosh, I really have nowhere to run! We are SO screwed. She started shooting at us and I grabbed a towel and tried to use it as a bullet-proof vest. It didn't work, and I got us shot. She shot us right in the side! It didn't hurt; it was like the bullet grazed us and felt like a scratch, yet I realized that he could die from this anyway. I hid us (and his friend) next to the stairs and tried to make us as small as possible. But she chased us down and saw us. I realized then that it was time to use this guy's considerable physical charms to see if we couldn't disarm her. I wasn't even sure what he looked like, but I knew I could do it--such is the power of beauty, and by playing this part, I could experience that. So, I tried to give her the full effect of our great big beautiful eyes and I remember thinking, "If she's got ovaries like me, this will work."

And to my relief (although to my waking chagrin, because seriously, how cheap,) it worked! She took pity on this guy and she said that she would try to help him by fixing up where she shot him. She leaned down and started to blow on him. (Blow on him, okay?) An actual breeze came from her, like a cold gust of wind and it seemed to heal the scratch made by the bullet.

Then I realized that she was going to take this guy home and keep him. Like, keep him forever as if he were a pet. I felt so betrayed. He was mine, I had saved him from death and she didn't get to keep him! But I also knew that if I crossed her now, by making him try to run away from her, she would kill him.

I was in such a quandary about what to do, and I should have been scared, but instead I was so inspired, and thrilled to be having such an adventure. I thought, "Wow, if only I could write this man as a character, it would be so satisfying!" Or maybe I wanted to know him nstead. Or maybe I wished that I could have such influence in real life. I don't know, really.

But every time I have this themed dream, I'm so happy.

I'll tell you the weirdest aspect of it. I think the gun-toting woman was me, too.

WTF is even wrong with me?

Well anyway, so that was my dream and how the rest of the day went. I know I did a few more things but I don't much remember them. I have a test tomorrow and I didn't study for it. I haven't cracked a book this week.

Oh shoots, and I still have to copy my notes for a friend in class. CRAAAAP. I can't keep my mind on one thing, I swear.

I have ice cream and the X Files movie.

Yeah, that's about it for now.

ETA: Why the hell did I use so many exclamation points in this post? Jesus!