One Night With Chocolate (Just the one though.)

The thing with Chocolate was kinda like this: I just think that he didn't realize how much I liked him. I am sincere (and not acting like an idiot, I hope,) when I say that I don't think he meant any harm. When he disappeared from Earth, I went to his FB page and saw, not one, not two, but at least four different girls going, "Chocolate, where are you, what happened? Call me when you get back / get your phone back / whatever. Let's reconnect!" And suchlike.

I think he's friends with everyone, and probably doesn't realize that these girls—me included—really, really liked him.

The other night after I had that weird Cillian Murphy / terrorist dream, I had a dream about Chocolate too. In it, we were walking through Queens and ended up on a fire escape watching the Perseids and he said, "Maybe you'll never even know what happened to me."

Then, I did kind of a bad thing. Not to excuse what I did, but I really had a bad feeling that something had happened to this guy. I mean, keep in mind, he gave me his number. He called me and he asked me out. (Though I realize now I misinterpreted his intentions – I thought he wanted to see me because he was trying to see if there was something there, like maybe we actually liked each other. I see now he was just being the Friendly Guy.) And I thought the other day that maybe something awful had become of him. Anyone who knows me knows I always assume the worst. He's dead in the middle of the country somewhere, right? So, I got worried and that's when I did something uhh, morally questionable.

I had found out via his FB page that his sister was traveling with him, and his sister's FB page is not set on private. So, I looked at her pictures.

And I was really, really relieved to see that she wasn't posting "Has Anyone Seen My Brother" pics or alerts. But shocked and highly disappointed to see her pics of him eating this other girl's face. For a few minutes I sat there actually trying to re-interpret this. "He tripped, and she caught him... with her mouth?" "They were yawning and they walked into each other because it was so dark?" "And this happened more than once?"

But that only lasted a few minutes and was immediately followed by that feeling from High School, you know the one. Then, I wasn't actually as surprised as I maybe should have been.

That one night when we got together, I went home thinking, 'WOW, that guy is really something." I spent those few hours watching him fidget with the teapot, the spoon, the tab of the tea bag, his copper ring. Everything looked ridiculously bright and sharp. He said to me, "You're a beautiful girl," which I realize now probably had a "BUT" after it that I didn't hear. I just told him thank you, and that I had a hard time seeing that.

"You have that dysmorphic thing," he said. "You need to look in the mirror every day and say, You're beautiful, you're beautiful, until you believe it." I, of course, only heard two of those words. ;)

We talked for hours and then went outside in the parking lot and ate walnuts that he had in his car and it was getting really late. We talked – a lot, about really personal things. He asked if I'd ever been married, if I had any kids. No and no. We talked about long term commitments and marriage, and the strain that's put on us 30-somethings to follow that lifescript. I said I didn't want that kind of thing. He agreed and said it wasn't for him, either. We were both being honest about it, too. It's like that old song, which I kept thinking about: "I'm not talking about moving in, and I don't want to change your life..." What's that song?

He was super tired and it was like 1:30 and he had to drive another two hours to get home, so eventually I was the one who called it a night, because I don't like the idea of people driving that late in the first place. Though, I could have stood there all night next to his car in the fog. He said, "You're not trying to get rid of me already?" I told him of course not, I just have this hang up about accidents.

I asked if I might call him while he was on the road and he said, "Of course! And I'll be seeing you once I get back."

Which I took to mean, seeing you.

Maybe I should have kissed him? But I was afraid of scaring him. (Apparently the way to go about this is to face-dive him like an alien laying eggs in his throat. Not my style anyway.) I hugged him instead, and had a hard time letting go of his fuzzy coat with the lined hood. I told him to please be careful, and message me when he got home. He said his computer had just died, but he would call me before he left for his trip, which he did. And a few times during the trip, too. "Hey darlin', it's me."

Then his phone got disconnected and that's when all these other confused girls showed up on his page. I suppose that they weren't as morally lax as I was and they didn't stalk check out his sister's pictures of their trip.

So, my first reaction was extremely end-of-book-one Lisbeth Salander. It lasted a fraction of a second. My next reaction was to reason it out. It's like this: One thing we talked about that night was martial arts, after he noted that my hands looked mad strong and he said, "You could do some damage with those. Or really great massage." I remembered that the first time we talked at length, during lunch at school, I asked him if he had ever done martial arts. (He asked me then what had made me ask, and I got really bold and said, "You have a hidden dragon. Didn't you know?") I brought up his martial arts training and asked him to tell me more about it and he said, "It was really brief. I couldn't do it. I can't hurt people. Physically can't; it makes me sick. Even as a kid when people would pick fights with me, I couldn't defend myself."

Maybe I'm an idiot, but I believed that, and still do. Me, those other girls – he didn't do this on purpose. He's just going around, making friends, saying nice things that I think he thinks makes people happy. I think he's definitely a hippie, with seeing the beauty in everyone and all that junk they make fun of on Family Guy, and just telling them so. He really does like me – them – us. But he likes all people and wants to be with them, have tons of friends, hang out, have fun, share compliments, make people smile. I guess that's just who he is.

Not a douchebag, just oblivious.

Maybe I got burned a little, but this one's on me. He didn't mean to hurt me, or anyone. I'll give him that.

One thing he doesn't get from me though, is tears. Not a single one. Those are for more important things. This is nothing. Boy stuff isn't worth getting upset over.

I feel like I should end this with a Bonnie Pink lyric too, hehee. But I won't. :)

One Night With Chocolate (Just the one though.)

The thing with Chocolate was kinda like this: I just think that he didn't realize how much I liked him. I am sincere (and not acting like an idiot, I hope,) when I say that I don't think he meant any harm. When he disappeared from Earth, I went to his FB page and saw, not one, not two, but at least four different girls going, "Chocolate, where are you, what happened? Call me when you get back / get your phone back / whatever. Let's reconnect!" And suchlike.

I think he's friends with everyone, and probably doesn't realize that these girls—me included—really, really liked him.

The other night after I had that weird Cillian Murphy / terrorist dream, I had a dream about Chocolate too. In it, we were walking through Queens and ended up on a fire escape watching the Perseids and he said, "Maybe you'll never even know what happened to me."

Then, I did kind of a bad thing. Not to excuse what I did, but I really had a bad feeling that something had happened to this guy. I mean, keep in mind, he gave me his number. He called me and he asked me out. (Though I realize now I misinterpreted his intentions – I thought he wanted to see me because he was trying to see if there was something there, like maybe we actually liked each other. I see now he was just being the Friendly Guy.) And I thought the other day that maybe something awful had become of him. Anyone who knows me knows I always assume the worst. He's dead in the middle of the country somewhere, right? So, I got worried and that's when I did something uhh, morally questionable.

I had found out via his FB page that his sister was traveling with him, and his sister's FB page is not set on private. So, I looked at her pictures.

And I was really, really relieved to see that she wasn't posting "Has Anyone Seen My Brother" pics or alerts. But shocked and highly disappointed to see her pics of him eating this other girl's face. For a few minutes I sat there actually trying to re-interpret this. "He tripped, and she caught him... with her mouth?" "They were yawning and they walked into each other because it was so dark?" "And this happened more than once?"

But that only lasted a few minutes and was immediately followed by that feeling from High School, you know the one. Then, I wasn't actually as surprised as I maybe should have been.

That one night when we got together, I went home thinking, 'WOW, that guy is really something." I spent those few hours watching him fidget with the teapot, the spoon, the tab of the tea bag, his copper ring. Everything looked ridiculously bright and sharp. He said to me, "You're a beautiful girl," which I realize now probably had a "BUT" after it that I didn't hear. I just told him thank you, and that I had a hard time seeing that.

"You have that dysmorphic thing," he said. "You need to look in the mirror every day and say, You're beautiful, you're beautiful, until you believe it." I, of course, only heard two of those words. ;)

We talked for hours and then went outside in the parking lot and ate walnuts that he had in his car and it was getting really late. We talked – a lot, about really personal things. He asked if I'd ever been married, if I had any kids. No and no. We talked about long term commitments and marriage, and the strain that's put on us 30-somethings to follow that lifescript. I said I didn't want that kind of thing. He agreed and said it wasn't for him, either. We were both being honest about it, too. It's like that old song, which I kept thinking about: "I'm not talking about moving in, and I don't want to change your life..." What's that song?

He was super tired and it was like 1:30 and he had to drive another two hours to get home, so eventually I was the one who called it a night, because I don't like the idea of people driving that late in the first place. Though, I could have stood there all night next to his car in the fog. He said, "You're not trying to get rid of me already?" I told him of course not, I just have this hang up about accidents.

I asked if I might call him while he was on the road and he said, "Of course! And I'll be seeing you once I get back."

Which I took to mean, seeing you.

Maybe I should have kissed him? But I was afraid of scaring him. (Apparently the way to go about this is to face-dive him like an alien laying eggs in his throat. Not my style anyway.) I hugged him instead, and had a hard time letting go of his fuzzy coat with the lined hood. I told him to please be careful, and message me when he got home. He said his computer had just died, but he would call me before he left for his trip, which he did. And a few times during the trip, too. "Hey darlin', it's me."

Then his phone got disconnected and that's when all these other confused girls showed up on his page. I suppose that they weren't as morally lax as I was and they didn't stalk check out his sister's pictures of their trip.

So, my first reaction was extremely end-of-book-one Lisbeth Salander. It lasted a fraction of a second. My next reaction was to reason it out. It's like this: One thing we talked about that night was martial arts, after he noted that my hands looked mad strong and he said, "You could do some damage with those. Or really great massage." I remembered that the first time we talked at length, during lunch at school, I asked him if he had ever done martial arts. (He asked me then what had made me ask, and I got really bold and said, "You have a hidden dragon. Didn't you know?") I brought up his martial arts training and asked him to tell me more about it and he said, "It was really brief. I couldn't do it. I can't hurt people. Physically can't; it makes me sick. Even as a kid when people would pick fights with me, I couldn't defend myself."

Maybe I'm an idiot, but I believed that, and still do. Me, those other girls – he didn't do this on purpose. He's just going around, making friends, saying nice things that I think he thinks makes people happy. I think he's definitely a hippie, with seeing the beauty in everyone and all that junk they make fun of on Family Guy, and just telling them so. He really does like me – them – us. But he likes all people and wants to be with them, have tons of friends, hang out, have fun, share compliments, make people smile. I guess that's just who he is.

Not a douchebag, just oblivious.

Maybe I got burned a little, but this one's on me. He didn't mean to hurt me, or anyone. I'll give him that.

One thing he doesn't get from me though, is tears. Not a single one. Those are for more important things. This is nothing. Boy stuff isn't worth getting upset over.

I feel like I should end this with a Bonnie Pink lyric too, hehee. But I won't. :)

To better times

Moving on. That night I was feeling bad about myself. I threw on a touch of makeup and went to Kung Fu. I don't generally wear make up and I never wear it to KF because, duh, why? You only sweat it off anyway.

Laoshi Empress Teishi saw me and said, "You look so pretty Oh my god what happened, you're angry."

"A little," I said. "I don't want to talk about it now though." Because I got there early, it was the kids' class, and a ton of Kwoonrats don't need to see me getting my anger on. And parents – I can seldom relate to them.

Empress Teishi, CC and the New Guy (will think of a name for him soon, since I think he's going to be a regular,) were playing tag with the Kwoonrats, which Empress sometimes does at the end of their class. It gets them all nice and worn out.

It was hard to stay in a foul mood while this was going on.

( Kwoonrats and their elders. )

That done, I was in a rotten mood again. Warmup was no fun. I led it, and could not get into the usual spirit of joking around during stretches. Sehing and Sidai alike didn't even bother to try to engage me in conversation. It was very quiet and eventually I felt bad for spreading such a negative vibe through the school like a damn myxovirus.

After warmups we got to sparring, for which I was so relieved. I called out Snarklit, the only one I knew I could deal with that night – or rather, who could deal with me. (The other two guys are too new to me, and none of the old-timers were there that night. Empress and CC were sparring each other. No other sehing around, in other words, just sidai - little brothers.)

We bowed and started fighting and I was on the offensive the entire time, (for the first time,) unable to let up. We sparred for about ten minutes straight until Snarklit said—during the match-- "So what's going on?"

"I'm a little disappointed is all," I said.

"Chocolate?" he asked. (I'd been keeping him apprised over the months.)

That was all it took and I kinda got my rage on. He allowed me to, without destroying me in return, which he easily could have. He's mad powerful, tall, quick, and outweighs me by a quarter again. He could have swatted me like a fly without even considering his next move. It was a good fight though, and the entire time we sparred, I was telling him the story of what had happened that day. The match went on for another ten minutes. That's twenty minutes straight sparring. I don't get winded like I used to but we both got really thirsty and stopped for water.

"You're really scary when you're mad," he said.

I apologized and he said it was okay.

Then he ended up telling me a story about this one time when he had to pee really bad and had to hold it in because he was driving. I call him "Snarklit" because he's a lit major and extremely, well, snarky. As I mentioned in the last post about when we all went out on the town, he's hilarious and witty. . (They all are, which is why we spend such a great percentage of the class just laughing. The Jedi Ronin, he's a fast talker and so quick with the punchline that you almost miss it at first. High School Homeslice has this self-deprecating physical humor. Empress loves the absurd, and her boy CC is so random he makes your head spin, but with impeccable timing. Sifu gets stuck on a rhyme or a pun like a pitbull with someone's leg. Gold Dragon is totally deadpan; he doesn't even blink when he delivers the LOL, but if you're lucky you'll catch the smirk afterward. And Snarklit has this supercilious drawl, even when the joke's on him.)

I tried to stay mad – I don't know why I do that – but couldn't. I was nearly on the floor laughing by the time he was done.

Then the Sidai left, and it was just Snarklit, Empress, CC and myself, doing forms. I told Empress what was up and she said she was sorry it had happened like that, but to remember that she was my sister and I could always talk to her. (Cue "aww." ^_^ )

Then, we continued with forms. That night ended in laughter, as most nights there do.

Uhh, and mad bruises, I mean they cover my left arm and right leg; it's disgusting.

Anyway, we were taping ourselves because we want to make epic Kung Fu music videos (one of them's going to be to the FFVII fight theme, lol!) and I got some snaps of sparring and other fun stuff.

( Bow to sehing. )

( Empress and CC say YAY SPARRING. )

( Kick, kick! )

( Hairocopter )

( HOW NOT TO BLOCK. )

Yeah seriously, do not spar like this.

( FINISH HER! )

/Mortal Kombat. Honestly, my face there says it all. :)

( Then after sparring, Snarklit started talking. )

( Invariably at the end of class: )

DODGEGLOVE.

( And outside doing forms and stuff. )

I approve of this evening.

To better times

Moving on. That night I was feeling bad about myself. I threw on a touch of makeup and went to Kung Fu. I don't generally wear make up and I never wear it to KF because, duh, why? You only sweat it off anyway.

Laoshi Empress Teishi saw me and said, "You look so pretty Oh my god what happened, you're angry."

"A little," I said. "I don't want to talk about it now though." Because I got there early, it was the kids' class, and a ton of Kwoonrats don't need to see me getting my anger on. And parents – I can seldom relate to them.

Empress Teishi, CC and the New Guy (will think of a name for him soon, since I think he's going to be a regular,) were playing tag with the Kwoonrats, which Empress sometimes does at the end of their class. It gets them all nice and worn out.

It was hard to stay in a foul mood while this was going on.

( Kwoonrats and their elders. )

That done, I was in a rotten mood again. Warmup was no fun. I led it, and could not get into the usual spirit of joking around during stretches. Sehing and Sidai alike didn't even bother to try to engage me in conversation. It was very quiet and eventually I felt bad for spreading such a negative vibe through the school like a damn myxovirus.

After warmups we got to sparring, for which I was so relieved. I called out Snarklit, the only one I knew I could deal with that night – or rather, who could deal with me. (The other two guys are too new to me, and none of the old-timers were there that night. Empress and CC were sparring each other. No other sehing around, in other words, just sidai - little brothers.)

We bowed and started fighting and I was on the offensive the entire time, (for the first time,) unable to let up. We sparred for about ten minutes straight until Snarklit said—during the match-- "So what's going on?"

"I'm a little disappointed is all," I said.

"Chocolate?" he asked. (I'd been keeping him apprised over the months.)

That was all it took and I kinda got my rage on. He allowed me to, without destroying me in return, which he easily could have. He's mad powerful, tall, quick, and outweighs me by a quarter again. He could have swatted me like a fly without even considering his next move. It was a good fight though, and the entire time we sparred, I was telling him the story of what had happened that day. The match went on for another ten minutes. That's twenty minutes straight sparring. I don't get winded like I used to but we both got really thirsty and stopped for water.

"You're really scary when you're mad," he said.

I apologized and he said it was okay.

Then he ended up telling me a story about this one time when he had to pee really bad and had to hold it in because he was driving. I call him "Snarklit" because he's a lit major and extremely, well, snarky. As I mentioned in the last post about when we all went out on the town, he's hilarious and witty. . (They all are, which is why we spend such a great percentage of the class just laughing. The Jedi Ronin, he's a fast talker and so quick with the punchline that you almost miss it at first. High School Homeslice has this self-deprecating physical humor. Empress loves the absurd, and her boy CC is so random he makes your head spin, but with impeccable timing. Sifu gets stuck on a rhyme or a pun like a pitbull with someone's leg. Gold Dragon is totally deadpan; he doesn't even blink when he delivers the LOL, but if you're lucky you'll catch the smirk afterward. And Snarklit has this supercilious drawl, even when the joke's on him.)

I tried to stay mad – I don't know why I do that – but couldn't. I was nearly on the floor laughing by the time he was done.

Then the Sidai left, and it was just Snarklit, Empress, CC and myself, doing forms. I told Empress what was up and she said she was sorry it had happened like that, but to remember that she was my sister and I could always talk to her. (Cue "aww." ^_^ )

Then, we continued with forms. That night ended in laughter, as most nights there do.

Uhh, and mad bruises, I mean they cover my left arm and right leg; it's disgusting.

Anyway, we were taping ourselves because we want to make epic Kung Fu music videos (one of them's going to be to the FFVII fight theme, lol!) and I got some snaps of sparring and other fun stuff.

( Bow to sehing. )

( Empress and CC say YAY SPARRING. )

( Kick, kick! )

( Hairocopter )

( HOW NOT TO BLOCK. )

Yeah seriously, do not spar like this.

( FINISH HER! )

/Mortal Kombat. Honestly, my face there says it all. :)

( Then after sparring, Snarklit started talking. )

( Invariably at the end of class: )

DODGEGLOVE.

( And outside doing forms and stuff. )

I approve of this evening.