It's one of those stupid days when everything gets me emotional and stupid. Not just stuff having to do with Dad, either, just every little thing. Maybe 'cause it's so close to stupid Christmas. Yet I can't find any logical connection between “Dad / holidays” and the things I'm picking out to get emotional and stupid about.
I dropped some cranberries on the floor and wanted to punch a hole in the wall.
I watched an interview with 30STM wherein JLeto tells a relatively plain girl “You're beautiful” out of nowhere and it just made me angry, sad, and mean. (“What's worse from beautiful people, them not acknowledging you or them patronizing you / but maybe it was sincere and he's just that nice / I wish I could interview someone I admire and and they would say something nice to me / Why was someone mean enough to Jared to make him write such sad songs...”) and all these other illogical, contradictory things having nothing to do with anything.
Then I decided to skip Kung Fu because I don't feel up to it, and that made me feel stupid and emotional again (“Get out of the house and go, you need to work out anyway / But it's only going to probably be about two people there and you'll just do drills / Everyone else is going to be so merry and Xmasy / But that's no excuse, you should still go / Kung Fu will still be there when you get back...”) There's no logic to it, I just don't feel up to it, the long drive, the day before Xmas eve and my own apparently completely unpredictable mood tonight.
I am illogically mad at everyone who is having a good time.
HOWEVER, the morning was just great. I went to breakfast with Lao Shir, the Lady Chrysanthemum and Merry Laugh. We've all lost our Dads, so we ended up talking a lot about that, and how to cope, and what to do and what not to do for that first holiday, what worked for them, their Moms and whatnot. We also talked a lot about Kung Fu, training, and of course our usual conversation, Whose Ass We Could Kick. It was a lovely morning, actually, just emotional.
Can I add the word “emotional” into this post another time? Maybe! YOU NEVER KNOW.
Merry Laugh, who's got her own huge stuff going on, had to leave early and then Lady Chrysanthemum followed soon after. That left Lao Shir and I and we talked for the last two hours, I guess mostly about our Dads. I love her for lots of reasons, but I admire her because she started Kung Fu when she was in her 40s—more than a decade older than I was when I started—and not only did it totally heal her “inoperable” back problems, but she quickly owned it and rose to black sash and regional champion in about seven years, or maybe even less. And then she beat cancer and now she's just this spiritual wise woman, single, and taking everything on by herself, without flinching. I've never met such a true warrior.
Fall seven times, get up eight.
Hey y'all, for anyone who's having a sucky time of it lately (and I know there are a few of you,) I hope this is your seventh time.
I feel better after writing all of that, weirdly enough.