Volcano Death, the futility of mourning, dancing Ninjas and Obama at Target

[la_belle_laide]

Dreams, that is.

This starts out as I'm watching an episode of Sorcerer Hunters that I've never seen before. My Mom and Dad are in a separate room. Mom can go back and forth between the rooms but Dad can't, so I have to tell him what's going on in the show. (Dad really liked Sorcerer Hunters, BTW.) As I watch the show, I'm yelling through the door what's going on.

So what happens is that the main character (named Carrot) is talking to a sales rep of a dog food company – one that is my competition. The sales rep is describing these new different kinds of dog food. Eventually I get in on the conversation.

"Our first flavor is Volcano Death dog food," the rep says.

"What's in it?"

"Well it's made out of actual volcanoes, and it kills your dog."

This strikes me as so hilarious, I can't even speak. The rep goes on.

"The next flavor is called Crawlspace Dust. It's made out of actual spare attic space, with a few motes of dust for your dog's optimum death."

Now I'm laughing so hard I can't even answer.

"Next up we have Gunpowder Chocolate, made from real, used gunpowder, and chocolate to kill your dog."

I literally fall down laughing, streaming tears, slapping my thighs because this is unbearably funny. I look at my Dad through the door and try to tell him what this show is saying. (It's somehow real and somehow still a show.)

Then the scene switches and I'm at the Kung Fu school as it exists in my dreams. (I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but the places in my dreams are always exactly the same. They aren't as they are in real life, but remain precisely the same in dreams. I have a dream Disneyworld, a dream Kung Fu school, a dream subway, a dream Manhattan etc. They never change. Anyone else?) Except, the school has been taken over by ninjas who are learning to dance, and they're doing the French Mystique. Again, I find this hilarious. When they're done, they roll out this mat with the words, "HAVE FUN TRAINING, PIMPS. YOU ARE SLAVES TO WORKING OUT."

Again, hilarious. I can hardly speak for laughing.

Next up, I'm taking a nap in a car and having a dream (in my dream. OMG LEVEL 2.) I'm talking to Dad again and trying to tell him about all of this. I comment that I wish he could come back into this room, and I didn't have to talk to him through a doorway.

Dad gets exasperated and says, "When you gonna stop with this?"

"Well, I can't," I tell him. "It doesn't work like that."

He says, "Well, that's your choice. If you wanna be sad all the time there's nothing I can do about that. But I think it's a waste of time."

"You never did get the whole 'mourning' thing," I tell him.

"No, I don't get it," he says.

(Which is true enough, and that's also exactly what he would say. My Dad really didn't get mourning. It was like he didn't have the patience for being sad. Took too much time away from stuff he really liked to do.)

In the last dream, Mom, my cousins, a few friends and I are going shopping at Target. (I guess my moral outrage doesn't stop me in dreams. ;D ) Also shopping with us is the Obama family. I turn to Obama and ask him if he plans to run again in the next election. "Nah," he says, "I'm done with this."

"WHAT?" I yell at him. "You can't mean that!"

He laughs, and Michelle laughs, and he says he was kidding; of course he's going to run again.

It turns out that Joe Biden is the door greeter at Target in his free time. He greets me, I say hi back. Then I ask him where the sports bras are.

And then my alarm clock went off.

Those were some of last night's crack dreams.