la_belle_laide (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
la_belle_laide) wrote2007-06-09 04:49 pm
la_belle_laide) wrote2007-06-09 04:49 pm
IF YOU WANT ME BACK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK NICER THAN THAT...
This was going to be a happy, floofy post involving my thoughts on tomorrow's show, some stuff about work and the birds I'm working with, some of Friday's (yesterday's) drama and angst and hilarity and teeth-gritting and then bonding, and a few spammy thoughts on some bands I love and some boys I think are cute and some videos I wanted to share because I'm falling in love with different songs and bands etc and I can't wait for Projekt Revolution and tomorrow is Solar Fest and I bought some cool shorts today (s'up, size four?!) and how I'm driving along today listening to a song that for some random reason makes me cry in a happy way and I'm thinking, Something good is going to happen to me.
Then I came home and got an email and now I'm just angry and disappointed.
But let me start at the beginning. I got an email from Jeremy a few days ago, and it was basically, "Okay, I'm over it, I miss you, I'm sorry I said and implied the things I said and implied, can we go back to where we were?" And I answered him--as I invariably do--"Yes, of course we can, I've missed you, too." Because it was worth it to me, we've been friends since high school, that is a very long time, you know? And it's not in me to just give up. But because we've had these issues (which, remember, I absolutely did not either bring about or encourage in any way,) I had a few conditions, or at least requests. Which, I think I'm entitled to those after he's spent the last seven years running out on me everytime I wouldn't marry him. (And if I seem unfair when I say that or if you think I'm being hyperbolic because I'm angry, well, it's not unfair and I'm not being hyperbolic. Because that's exactly how it went each time.) My first condition was that this on-again/off-again thing has to stop. I asked him to make sure he had come to terms with whatever he had to deal with, because I hated this "I can't take it anymore! Get out of my life!" thing he keeps doing. My second condition was based on the fact that he got really bugged out last year when I started doing the dolphin team and I didn't have Sundays free to hang out anymore. (And he couldn't change his work schedule in order to hang out with me.) So he felt like I was pushing him away and he wanted more out of the friendship than I was "willing" to give. More time, more attention, more everything. So up front I told him this time, please don't take it personally if I can't hang out sometimes ir if I'm slow with getting back to you in email. There isn't a day in the week for this entire month and half of next month when I'm going to be home all day, and then I'm going away at the end of July for a big Hula thing, too. I told him, I'm doing three jobs this summer as well as Kung Fu. So please don't take that personally.
I cannot even describe to you his bullcrap answer to that in reasonable terms. So I'll just quote some of the awful stuff he said to me in reply: It has become painfully obvious to me that you do expect less in a freindship-less seeing one another less communication less compromise on your part. At that you expect more of all those things out of me, you dont want anything or anyone in your life that might disrupt it.Oh, and this, check this out: I understand that you choose to live your life as you do, what i dont understand is why you would fill your life with so many other things that you leave yourself no time for a real freindship.
Am I totally overreacting, or is that really completely insulting? The "so many other things" that I do ... Oh, say, working to help animals, and, I dunno, pay some of my frigging bills finally, how about finally getting a lot of Hula work, which is like a huge dream of mine coming true, these are the "other things" that I need to give up in order to have a "real friendship." Is it me, or is that WAY THE HELL OUT OF LINE?
Hold up, because here comes the best part: I hope beacuse perhaps of my unreal expectations that maybe someday youll find the time in your life to have a real freind, one thats not ok with being pushed away to such a distance that you lose that connection.
That right there? That's when I went nuclear. Because, just because I can't spend every waking minute playing video games with Jeremy, because I'm, yanno, WORKING, that I don't have "real friends" and I "push away" the ones that I do have. Those of you who read this blog even semi regularly will know how much I love and adore the friends that I have, practically live for them. When I read that I was thinking of my friend Kim, whom I love more than if she was blood, even though we only get to see each other like once a month for a few hours, and we somehow always manage to get everything said that we want to say that is going on in our lives, AND just chill out and watch a movie and eat pizza and ice cream and look at pictures of hot guys together. She works a whole hell of a lot more than I do and sometimes we just can't manage to get together when we want to. Then I was thinking of Tricia, who had to move to VA and how I did NOT take that personally, or imply that she didn't know how to make "real friends" just because she had to be far away. I thought of Brittany, who had to go away to Hawai'i and whom I miss so much and still consider her a close friend even though we're in two different time zones, yeah, totally did not take that personally either, because I'm an adult who realizes that as fantastic and awesome it would be to have everyone living together on one street, never having to work and spending all our time lounging around, playing games, eating pizza etc, that's never going to happen.
So there you have it, guys. Those friends of mine, that I'm always writing about and how much fun we have in our limited, but cherished time together? Yeah, those aren't "real friends" and I'm only working because I really want to push them away. Now you know.
But I didn't write all of that in my reply to him. Instead I wrote him something more like, "Hey, guess what? I do have 'real friends.' They understand."
So now I'm all pissed off and self-righteous and indignant, and all of a sudden I'm just not feeling as Aloha like I was this afternoon when I was riding in the car listening to that beloved song. It occurs to me that maybe I should listen to that beloved song again and try to find that place in my head again, leave this behind. I dunno, it feels final this time.
But eff that, I'm going to go go back to where I was this afternoon, before all of this, I'm going to make the post I meant to make. It was going to start and probably finish with a song called "My Blue Heaven" by Taking Back Sunday. It was going to be about how some songs grab me by the throat right away and I'm completely obssessed on the first listen and I have to own the entire CD to see if it measures up, then search out lyrics and meanings and videos and interviews to see where they were in their minds when they wrote something that got me so emotionally involved in it, etc. Because that's what happened the first time I heard "The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars and the first time I heard "I'm Not Okay" by MCR. (And later, after about two listens discovered I was kind of obssessed with the melody of "Helena" too. See because with me, sometimes it's more melody than lyrics.) I was not immediately obssessed with My Blue Heaven.
Okay, first let me backtrack a little. Remember that I saw Taking Back Sunday last summer and I enjoyed them even if they didn't grab me by the throat right away, (and honestly one of the best moments of that night was the way my friend--you know, those imaginary beings which I apparently don't really have and just make up in my mind to fill the void in my cold, dead heart?--utterly lost her crap the moment they took the stage; seriously it was awesome,) and that I saw The Used for a few minutes (and heard them for about an hour) during Taste Of Chaos and wasn't overly impressed; all I could hear was Bert (Phil) McCracken screaming the entire time, no melody--I get obssessed with melodies, remember--and then later that night Bert came to where we were hanging out, he was so self-involved with his crazy antics and he shoved Meghan out of his way as he was running past us while he was getting chased by fangirls, I saw him a few minutes later signing autographs or saying that he was going to sign autographs in a few minutes or something and I thought, "This is silly." (It totally was.)
So anyway on Tuesday night I was trolling youtube, and I don't quite remember what it was that I was looking for though I'll admit it was probably something like Bert and Gerard making out, when a link for The Used's video The Bird And The Worm came up, and because I was bored and the centerpoint still of the video looked interesting, I clicked on it. To my surprise and chargrin, I immediately loved the song. (And the video. It's just so freaking bizarre. I think it gave me nightmares or something.) So off I went to download another one of their songs, just randomly to see if I liked the sound of it. (If I like two songs from the same band which I downloaded randomly, I'll usually buy the CD.) I ended up with a song called "Buried Myself Alive" (see subject line for my favorite lyric) and that melody completely hooked me, I liked it better than The Bird and the Worm, actually. So now I've bought "Lies For The Liars" (even though that song isn't on it) and so far I like about 70% of it, but honestly a lot of it is just screaming. I like the melodic ones best.
This is all going somewhere, I promise.
There are some songs that I love and obssess over immediately, like that one, like The Kill and like I'm Not Okay, ones where as soon as I hear the opening few notes, I'm in a totally different zone; music is really emotional for me in case you haven't noticed. So anyway, I also decided to finally buy Taking Back Sunday's CD "Louder Now" because I only really knew a bunch of their older songs (which I mostly liked) and ony two songs off that CD, both of which I liked. And I got the CD and I listened to it for like a day, and while I found it completely listenable from start to finish (sometimes as much as I love a band there are songs I always skip on the CD; see "The Story" and "Was It A Dream" from A Beautiful Lie,) nothing on the CD immediately grabbed me by the throat. I just enjoyed it and played it repeatedly, in the car and on my iPod at work.
The other thing that sometimes happens to me is that I'll listen to a song a bunch of times before I really hear it. It gets lost in the mix and even though I'm singing along or whatever, I'm not totally hearing it, and then one day, for some random reason, I'll finally hear the song and go, "OH! There you are." And that's how it happened with "My Blue Heaven." Which is funny, because if I had to pick one song on the CD that I would have skipped after the first listen, or after hearing the first few notes, it might have been that one, because it's the second half of the song that knocks me out the most. Funny thing with that song, I think it's obviously supposed to knock you out in the second half, that's what they meant for it to do. It wasn't until Wednesday when I was cleaning the pigeons at SITF and this song came on my iPod (I was halfway through the top cages, holding that one white pigeon that insists on being held when I clean his cage,) when the second half of the song kicked in and I went, "Oh, wait. I think I just fell in love."
I love it so much that I'm giving it to those of you who want it on yousendit until the link runs out. Because now I love the entire song and not just the second half. I think the melody is beautiful and the lyrics are incredibly special. I fully own up to the fact that I sometimes bust out crying between 2:50 and 3:00 when he sings "you're safe, child, you are safe" and even at 3:20 with "Is this all too familiar? Does it happen all the time?" and 3:27-3:38 with "I'm just asking you to hear me, Could you please, just once, just hear me? More then anything you wanted to be right..."
Do you see how I obssess with music? It's insane. Listen to the song and then fall in love with Adam Lazzara because he is funny and crazy and adorable and I want one just like this. (LOL at him not even singing, when he's the singer. "'Geese a-laying, were they laying down, or like..... laying?" and "Like, THE DARK LOOOOORDS!!") Can I have one, pls? I promise to be nice to him!
Welp, this post has already gone on way too long and I have to get all my costumes and music and maps (jeez, this place is on the other frigging end of the Island) everything together, so I'm gonna STFU right now and get going.
And I still think something good is going to happen to me tomorrow. So there.
Then I came home and got an email and now I'm just angry and disappointed.
But let me start at the beginning. I got an email from Jeremy a few days ago, and it was basically, "Okay, I'm over it, I miss you, I'm sorry I said and implied the things I said and implied, can we go back to where we were?" And I answered him--as I invariably do--"Yes, of course we can, I've missed you, too." Because it was worth it to me, we've been friends since high school, that is a very long time, you know? And it's not in me to just give up. But because we've had these issues (which, remember, I absolutely did not either bring about or encourage in any way,) I had a few conditions, or at least requests. Which, I think I'm entitled to those after he's spent the last seven years running out on me everytime I wouldn't marry him. (And if I seem unfair when I say that or if you think I'm being hyperbolic because I'm angry, well, it's not unfair and I'm not being hyperbolic. Because that's exactly how it went each time.) My first condition was that this on-again/off-again thing has to stop. I asked him to make sure he had come to terms with whatever he had to deal with, because I hated this "I can't take it anymore! Get out of my life!" thing he keeps doing. My second condition was based on the fact that he got really bugged out last year when I started doing the dolphin team and I didn't have Sundays free to hang out anymore. (And he couldn't change his work schedule in order to hang out with me.) So he felt like I was pushing him away and he wanted more out of the friendship than I was "willing" to give. More time, more attention, more everything. So up front I told him this time, please don't take it personally if I can't hang out sometimes ir if I'm slow with getting back to you in email. There isn't a day in the week for this entire month and half of next month when I'm going to be home all day, and then I'm going away at the end of July for a big Hula thing, too. I told him, I'm doing three jobs this summer as well as Kung Fu. So please don't take that personally.
I cannot even describe to you his bullcrap answer to that in reasonable terms. So I'll just quote some of the awful stuff he said to me in reply: It has become painfully obvious to me that you do expect less in a freindship-less seeing one another less communication less compromise on your part. At that you expect more of all those things out of me, you dont want anything or anyone in your life that might disrupt it.Oh, and this, check this out: I understand that you choose to live your life as you do, what i dont understand is why you would fill your life with so many other things that you leave yourself no time for a real freindship.
Am I totally overreacting, or is that really completely insulting? The "so many other things" that I do ... Oh, say, working to help animals, and, I dunno, pay some of my frigging bills finally, how about finally getting a lot of Hula work, which is like a huge dream of mine coming true, these are the "other things" that I need to give up in order to have a "real friendship." Is it me, or is that WAY THE HELL OUT OF LINE?
Hold up, because here comes the best part: I hope beacuse perhaps of my unreal expectations that maybe someday youll find the time in your life to have a real freind, one thats not ok with being pushed away to such a distance that you lose that connection.
That right there? That's when I went nuclear. Because, just because I can't spend every waking minute playing video games with Jeremy, because I'm, yanno, WORKING, that I don't have "real friends" and I "push away" the ones that I do have. Those of you who read this blog even semi regularly will know how much I love and adore the friends that I have, practically live for them. When I read that I was thinking of my friend Kim, whom I love more than if she was blood, even though we only get to see each other like once a month for a few hours, and we somehow always manage to get everything said that we want to say that is going on in our lives, AND just chill out and watch a movie and eat pizza and ice cream and look at pictures of hot guys together. She works a whole hell of a lot more than I do and sometimes we just can't manage to get together when we want to. Then I was thinking of Tricia, who had to move to VA and how I did NOT take that personally, or imply that she didn't know how to make "real friends" just because she had to be far away. I thought of Brittany, who had to go away to Hawai'i and whom I miss so much and still consider her a close friend even though we're in two different time zones, yeah, totally did not take that personally either, because I'm an adult who realizes that as fantastic and awesome it would be to have everyone living together on one street, never having to work and spending all our time lounging around, playing games, eating pizza etc, that's never going to happen.
So there you have it, guys. Those friends of mine, that I'm always writing about and how much fun we have in our limited, but cherished time together? Yeah, those aren't "real friends" and I'm only working because I really want to push them away. Now you know.
But I didn't write all of that in my reply to him. Instead I wrote him something more like, "Hey, guess what? I do have 'real friends.' They understand."
So now I'm all pissed off and self-righteous and indignant, and all of a sudden I'm just not feeling as Aloha like I was this afternoon when I was riding in the car listening to that beloved song. It occurs to me that maybe I should listen to that beloved song again and try to find that place in my head again, leave this behind. I dunno, it feels final this time.
But eff that, I'm going to go go back to where I was this afternoon, before all of this, I'm going to make the post I meant to make. It was going to start and probably finish with a song called "My Blue Heaven" by Taking Back Sunday. It was going to be about how some songs grab me by the throat right away and I'm completely obssessed on the first listen and I have to own the entire CD to see if it measures up, then search out lyrics and meanings and videos and interviews to see where they were in their minds when they wrote something that got me so emotionally involved in it, etc. Because that's what happened the first time I heard "The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars and the first time I heard "I'm Not Okay" by MCR. (And later, after about two listens discovered I was kind of obssessed with the melody of "Helena" too. See because with me, sometimes it's more melody than lyrics.) I was not immediately obssessed with My Blue Heaven.
Okay, first let me backtrack a little. Remember that I saw Taking Back Sunday last summer and I enjoyed them even if they didn't grab me by the throat right away, (and honestly one of the best moments of that night was the way my friend--you know, those imaginary beings which I apparently don't really have and just make up in my mind to fill the void in my cold, dead heart?--utterly lost her crap the moment they took the stage; seriously it was awesome,) and that I saw The Used for a few minutes (and heard them for about an hour) during Taste Of Chaos and wasn't overly impressed; all I could hear was Bert (Phil) McCracken screaming the entire time, no melody--I get obssessed with melodies, remember--and then later that night Bert came to where we were hanging out, he was so self-involved with his crazy antics and he shoved Meghan out of his way as he was running past us while he was getting chased by fangirls, I saw him a few minutes later signing autographs or saying that he was going to sign autographs in a few minutes or something and I thought, "This is silly." (It totally was.)
So anyway on Tuesday night I was trolling youtube, and I don't quite remember what it was that I was looking for though I'll admit it was probably something like Bert and Gerard making out, when a link for The Used's video The Bird And The Worm came up, and because I was bored and the centerpoint still of the video looked interesting, I clicked on it. To my surprise and chargrin, I immediately loved the song. (And the video. It's just so freaking bizarre. I think it gave me nightmares or something.) So off I went to download another one of their songs, just randomly to see if I liked the sound of it. (If I like two songs from the same band which I downloaded randomly, I'll usually buy the CD.) I ended up with a song called "Buried Myself Alive" (see subject line for my favorite lyric) and that melody completely hooked me, I liked it better than The Bird and the Worm, actually. So now I've bought "Lies For The Liars" (even though that song isn't on it) and so far I like about 70% of it, but honestly a lot of it is just screaming. I like the melodic ones best.
This is all going somewhere, I promise.
There are some songs that I love and obssess over immediately, like that one, like The Kill and like I'm Not Okay, ones where as soon as I hear the opening few notes, I'm in a totally different zone; music is really emotional for me in case you haven't noticed. So anyway, I also decided to finally buy Taking Back Sunday's CD "Louder Now" because I only really knew a bunch of their older songs (which I mostly liked) and ony two songs off that CD, both of which I liked. And I got the CD and I listened to it for like a day, and while I found it completely listenable from start to finish (sometimes as much as I love a band there are songs I always skip on the CD; see "The Story" and "Was It A Dream" from A Beautiful Lie,) nothing on the CD immediately grabbed me by the throat. I just enjoyed it and played it repeatedly, in the car and on my iPod at work.
The other thing that sometimes happens to me is that I'll listen to a song a bunch of times before I really hear it. It gets lost in the mix and even though I'm singing along or whatever, I'm not totally hearing it, and then one day, for some random reason, I'll finally hear the song and go, "OH! There you are." And that's how it happened with "My Blue Heaven." Which is funny, because if I had to pick one song on the CD that I would have skipped after the first listen, or after hearing the first few notes, it might have been that one, because it's the second half of the song that knocks me out the most. Funny thing with that song, I think it's obviously supposed to knock you out in the second half, that's what they meant for it to do. It wasn't until Wednesday when I was cleaning the pigeons at SITF and this song came on my iPod (I was halfway through the top cages, holding that one white pigeon that insists on being held when I clean his cage,) when the second half of the song kicked in and I went, "Oh, wait. I think I just fell in love."
I love it so much that I'm giving it to those of you who want it on yousendit until the link runs out. Because now I love the entire song and not just the second half. I think the melody is beautiful and the lyrics are incredibly special. I fully own up to the fact that I sometimes bust out crying between 2:50 and 3:00 when he sings "you're safe, child, you are safe" and even at 3:20 with "Is this all too familiar? Does it happen all the time?" and 3:27-3:38 with "I'm just asking you to hear me, Could you please, just once, just hear me? More then anything you wanted to be right..."
Do you see how I obssess with music? It's insane. Listen to the song and then fall in love with Adam Lazzara because he is funny and crazy and adorable and I want one just like this. (LOL at him not even singing, when he's the singer. "'Geese a-laying, were they laying down, or like..... laying?" and "Like, THE DARK LOOOOORDS!!") Can I have one, pls? I promise to be nice to him!
Welp, this post has already gone on way too long and I have to get all my costumes and music and maps (jeez, this place is on the other frigging end of the Island) everything together, so I'm gonna STFU right now and get going.
And I still think something good is going to happen to me tomorrow. So there.
no subject
no subject
Meh.
no subject
"Pushing friends away?" Sorry, I've seen that. On a couple of occasions, I've done that. Hell, one of the people on my own damned f-list went friends-only as a result of being pushed away. And I most emphatically do not see that here.
He's still being an idiot. Worse, it seems willful at this point.
Re: Hurry Up
But you're right, that's one thing I noticed: it does seem like he's acting this way on purpose now, and I can only guess it's because he's still mad over my non-marriage ways of life. :/ And there's nothing I can do about it, so...
Hurry Up
Maturity. Try it some time, Jeremy.
Best wishes for taking care of number one, first and foremost. Everything else just flows from that strength.
Re: Hurry Up
no subject
no subject
Thanks for your support, too. :D *hugs back* I miss you guys. ^_^